NEOBlog: Canonically Irrelevant

Why I Don't Like Kristen Wiig

2010-11-13T18:47:00.000-08:00

Anybody that follows my twitter on a Saturday Night (and why wouldn't you? I use it so much this blog has fallen into disuse) knows that I am a die-hard SNL fan. I've been following the show live since 2002 (I was 16) and aside from a few isolated shows in the early, pre-Hulu years, I've never missed an episode. I've also seen the vast majority of the 90s shows and a smattering of shows from the 70s and 80s. Even so I don't claim to know what's funny and what's not. There are tons of sketches I think are hilarious that most others probably don't, and I'm sure it works vice versa.

That all being said, I've noticed a growing trend in the show that I find somewhat disappointing, giving its legacy of top-tier, groundbreaking humor: lazy, annoying, recurring characters. And the woman most responsible for these characters is presented to you stage left: Kristen Wiig. Now Wiig is not the first performer to fall into this trap. Both well known alums Chris Farley and Molly Shannon had characters with similar personalities that they ended up running into the ground. Current cast-member Fred Armisen is starting to fall into this category as well (as tends to happen after being on the show for 8 years). However not one single cast-member continues to bring out the same, annoying characters, week after week, for a decent chunk of show time.

Now before I'm accused of bias, I don't hate Kristen Wiig. I actually liked her for her first 3 years on the show (she joined in 2005). I think she's pretty funny in pretty much anything she does outside of SNL. But in the early days of her tenure, she meshed well with the rest of the women and cast. She had some great sketches like the awkward carpool with Alec Baldwin and the Two A-holes sketches with Jason Sudeikis. However, once the veteran women performers Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler left the show, things began to change. Wiig had slowly began to build up a small arsenal of characters that, while funny the first time, wouldn't work as recurring sketches because the characters fail to have any potential for further development. The ones that did have potential were simply reused in the same situation over and over again to the point where any shred of originality ceases to exist the third time they use the character.

Let me illustrate with some examples. Some of Wiig's more popular characters include the Target Lady, Penelope, Sue (the "surprise!" woman), Gilly ("sorry!"), and lesser used but still tired Shana. All of these characters feature Wiig in a somewhat silly costume using a weird voice. Wiig is hardly the first SNL player to use this to generate her humor (Adam Sandler, anyone?), and all of these characters work well on a solitary basis. The characters also feature an easily recognizable quote, and Wiig is often the sole star (or acts like it) of the sketch, with anyone else rotating in and out of supporting roles to her maniacal whims. It's fun the first time around.

Unfortunately, we get these characters several different times. And each time, the audience already knows what's going to happen because the writers (or Wiig) do nothing to further the character beyond her one amusing quirk. The Target Lady will always wander off for a bargain. Penelope will always try and one-up the other characters. Sue will eventually do something crazy before she spills the surprise. and Gilly (sorry!) will always end up killing or seriously injuring the other students. There is no change of scenery, no different characters, no progress from sketch to sketch. It's as if time stands still. In the Shana sketches, the same three guys are always attracted to her bubbly and sexual way of speaking, only to be immediately grossed out whenever she actually does anything. Over and over again. As a viewer I'm not supposed to know the outcome of the sketch, yet every time I see one of Wiig's characters, I do.

This is not solely a Wiig problem. Lots of recurring characters suffer this same problem with the current show and writing staff. But Wiig is a repeat offender given her perceived popularity, general hammy-ness, and shear number of characters.

Wiig's popularity spike has also caused her to be the go-to female for writers, despite the continued presence and rotation of other females in and out of the show. Since 2007, with the departure of Maya Rudolph, 4 different women (Casey Wilson, Michaela Watkins, Jenny Slate, and Abby Elliott) have rotated in and out of the show without making much on impact. It seems like these women were routinely passed over for roles that were give to the more mundane Wiig characters. Abby Elliott has been on the show for THREE years and I have no idea if she even has a single character. Sure, some of this is because Wiig is a strong female lead, but both Wilson and Watkins had star potential as well. Wiig performed well in a group with other strong women before, now she simply dominates over everyone else, including the men. There is simply no reason why this should be the case.

SNL has been due for a revolution for awhile. There are many funny, talented people on the show, but something just hasn't been clicking for the last few years (save the spike of awesomeness during the 2008 election year). It is unfair to put the blame solely on Wiig, but as the most prominent cast-member with such blatantly bland, poorly-written characters... she definitely gets the lions share of it.

On the plus side, Nasim Pedrad is pretty funny.

LOST: Live Together, Die Together

2010-05-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

Obvious warning: Here be SPOILERS.

Hello, blog. It's been awhile but I think I have something that I can talk about for more than 140 characters. Unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you are aware that the LOST finale aired on Sunday night, causing millions of people to stop what they were doing and watch a show that most people haven't seen since season 3 (not that I blame them, season 3 was pretty bad). Milestone claims aside, I think it's safe to say that this finale was probably one of the most anticipated and hyped television events in the last decade, if not ever. For those of us who were not sucked in the show first started, myself included ("a bunch of people stuck on an island? lame"), we were pulled in by the friend who had "just bought the first season" or had the burning desire to know just what was in that hatch that everyone was talking about. It was addicting and consuming, but at times lost its way and jumped around more times than the survivors did when the Island started jumping around in time. I survived until then end, so before I take you into my thoughts on the finale, I figured I'd give you some insight on my investment as a fan.

I first caught on to the show via a first season DVD set that my college roommates had acquired, and began watching the show live midway through the second season. I don't know what I would have done if I had to wait a summer to find out what was in the hatch. At the time I was a firm believer that the show shouldn't head past a third season out of fear that it would grow stale. I mean, they have to get off the Island some time, right? Of course, six seasons in and I was still watching. Maybe I wasn't as invested once everyone started leaving the Island ("We have to go back!"), but I still wanted to know how the damn thing was going to end.

That being said I think we can break LOST up into two distinct chunks, and I think the chunk you prefer dictates the type of fan you are. The first chunk consists of seasons 1-3, and is mostly concerned with on-Island activities and character development. I also call this chunk the "Walt-relevant" period as during this part of the show, there's a kid named Walt who is kind of special and might be the key to a lot of things. During this period we learn about our main characters as well as the other people on the island, and we delve a little into some science-explainable Island mysteries (electromagnetism, Dharma, sonic fences, jamming beacons, etc). The second chunk consists of seasons 4-6, and is primarily concerned with off-Island developments as well as learning more about the Island itself as opposed to the characters on it. The actor playing Walt has aged 10 years overnight so he's written out of the story, and the science-explainable events give way to science-fantasy (time displacement, ageless guardians, mythological games and rules, moving Islands, etc). Obviously there is bleed over between the two sections (there's always a smoke monster around, and Daniel Faraday is metaphysical theory incarnate), but I think this is a solid place to generally split the show. The first jarring realization that the show is much bigger than it is in season 3 is the reveal of the flashforwards (not to be confused with the poser show of the same name), which show that the characters will get off the Island, but for whatever reason will desperately want to return. I think it's important to be able to take in and accept both of these elements of the show in order to fully appreciate the finale.

yes ladies, this man-on-man action has been brewing for awhile.

For the record I think I've enjoyed both parts equally. I was on board with season 4's mass slaughter of secondary characters related to seasons 1-3, I was on board with season 5's crazy time travel, and I was on board with season 6's humanization of Jacob and the Man in Black. And I've long accepted that I'll never really know why the Others kidnapped random people or why Walk caused birds to crash into his window. I accepted that I'd never really know why Jacob doesn't age and why if he touches people, he give s them a gift. I've accepted those things for what they are, and I didn't expect to hear Ben say "by the way this is why we were douchebags to you guys for three seasons" while they were on the way to defeating the Man in Black in the finale. I didn't expect to get those kind of answers.

Overall, I was pleased with the finale and it certainly elicited the emotions in me that I'm sure the writers were going for. It was nice seeing everyone together again at the end and it presented a good message of hope and the importance of friendship, and that it was the journey that everyone went on that brought them close together. I liked that Desmond, always my favorite character on the show, was the catalyst for bringing everyone together in the alternate reality and for enabling the on-Island defeat of the Man in Black. And I loved the image of Vincent being the last thing that Jack saw, tying in with him being the first thing he saw on arrival to the Island way back all those years before.

But on reflection I can't help but feel a little cheated by the obvious deus ex machina of the whole thing, as well as how much the closing narrative relied on Jack. Jack has always been the central character of the show, there's no denying that, but having all the characters wait around for Jack to finally decide to wake up kind of lessened their importance. Making the alternate timeline just a metaphorical purgatory put into question what, if anything, the survivors had accomplished at the end of season 5 when Juliet detonated the H-bomb. It invalidates all of Daniel Faraday's theories about changing the future and the sacrifices made my him and others involved. Furthermore, having Christian Shephard say that "everyone was dead", while technically true, really lessened the on-Island events of the exact same episode. Sure it was nice seeing Jack save the day and watching the plane leave with Hurley in charge of the Island, but this scene basically says "what happens after that isn't important, they all died at some point which doesn't matter and now you're here." Well, sure everyone dies eventually, I guess, but then why did it matter that I just invested myself in watching these people survive? Why does it matter if the plane leaves or not, or if Sun and Jin die on the sub, if everyone dies eventually? It just puts a damper on all the tension that was felt up until that point.

"Yes, I died. We all died. The Island looks like it sucked, but I drank myself to death and am here anyway, so... maybe next time you won't have to do all that."

Bringing it back to my point about the two chunks of the series, the finale is not a finale for the Island and the second half of the show, but more for the characters we fell in love with in the first chunk. All of the Island developments past season 3 were put aside in favor of uniting our characters for a happy ending, so much so that I found myself caring less and less what was happening on the Island and more about what was happening in the alternate timeline as the finale went on. I felt like it was leading up to some grand unification between the two, where the characters in one timeline would absorb the consciousnesses of the other, which would ultimately put the fate of the Island to rest. This payoff never came, and while I was satisfied with the emotional denouement of the series as a whole, I was left with a feeling of "that's it?" for the on-Island timeline. I don't think I ever got the sense of urgency from the whole "don't let MIB off the Island!" mission, as opposed to the "stop the Others from killing us all, prevent the Swan station from exploding and killing as all, prevent the freighter from killing us all" missions of finales past. It was never really explained what he would do if he left and why it was bad, and by the time they hinted at it (very late in the season in "Across the Sea", the 3rd to last epiosde), I cared more about the alternate timeline with Desmond awakening people. I know in the end this was the writers' intention, but ultimately I was left with a feeling that nothing on the Island mattered, it was more about the journey. And while that's a nice way to cap off the character arcs, I feel like it really downplays the importance of the Island itself as a character.

All of that being said I teared up like a baby when Vincent laid down next to Jack. Image-wise it was a very fitting end to a roller-coaster show. And that's not to mention the whole Juliet/Sawyer scene. Sunuvabitch.

Finally Getting Reimbursed

2009-11-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

Finally getting a return on my high school tuition investment. That's right, the payer has become the payee! YOU WORK FOR ME NOW! BIZARRO BIZARRO

Only, what, 100k to go? I'll get there.

Top 25 Best Saturday Night Live Sketches Ever (Part 5)

2009-10-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I present the final 4 (ish) of my top 25 SNL sketches series, including numbers 1-4.

4. The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton
from episode 16.12 - Kevin Bacon, Original Air Date 02/09/1991

(Apologies for the poor video, it was the only one I could find. TRANSCRIPT for those who need it.)

SNL has been around for so long that every generation who's watched it (there should be 3 of them, now) will either think that their era is the best or that SNL "wasn't as good as it used to be in the 70s/80s/90s/before Will Ferrell left. A lot of these opinions depend on the strength of both the writing and of the cast, and it is rare that an era so gelled these two qualities together than is evident in the shows from the late 80s/early 90s. Lacking the penchant to over rely on recurring characters that writers and cast today often do (I'm looking at you, Kristen Wiig!), this era produced many standalone sketches of brilliance that stand the test of time. Led by the always dramatically hilarious Phil Hartman, the Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southampton is a sketch that has always been ingrained in my head from the first time I saw it. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Nice.

3. White Like Me
from episode 10.09 - Eddie Murphy, Original Air Date 12/15/1984

It is unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on the season in question) that I have been unable to see very many episodes from the Dick Ebersol period of SNL, the early 80s experiment that occurred after the original cast and producer Lorne Michaels left the show before the disastrous 1980 season. The best thing that supposedly came from this period is that it was the launching pad for arguably one of SNL's greatest exports: Eddie Murphy. While Murphy has effectively shunned the show that gave him his start (never appearing at cast reunions or providing much insight into his time there), he was perhaps at his funniest during these times. This pre-taped gem not only is utterly hilarious, but also manages to tackle race relations in a manner that Dave Chappelle dreams he could accomplish.

2A. Nude Beach
from episode 14.02 - Matthew Broderick, Original Air Date 10/15/1988

TRANSCRIPT

Also known as "the penis sketch," this is probably one of the most infamous sketches in SNL history, and it's so hard to come by that I've never actually seen the whole thing. I would do a write-up about it but this lady does a much better job at explaining its awesomess. Suffice to say, no video is available online. That being said...

2B. Celebrity Jeopardy (with John Goodman)
from episode 22.19 - John Goodman, Original Air Date 05/10/1997

...clocking in and sharing the number 2 spot is the CLASSIC Celebrity Jeopardy sketch, probably the most famous thing to come out of SNL in its long history. With 14 sketches over a 15 year span, it was very hard to pick just one (let alone one that doesn't feature Sean Connery), but in the end I had to go with the Brando/Donahue/Reynolds bit (the Stewart/Connery/Reynolds one is already all over most of the DVDs). Before he was fired, Norm MacDonald's un-caring Burt Reynolds was the recurring guest, which freed up Darrell Hammond to tackle other impressions such as this perfect take on talk show host Phil Donahue. As usual Norm just has fun with Burt and annoys Trebek in a less childish way than Connery would later do, but I think the real winner here is John Goodman channeling a perfect senile Marlon Brando. As a whole the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches represent the best part about SNL in the 90s, and is one of the few sketches that will almost always have something funny in it no matter how many times they drag it out every time Will Ferrell hosts.

Some bonus runners up: Travolta/Reynolds/Keaton, Connery/Driver/Goldblum (hilarious Goldblum by David Duchovny!), and the now classic Kathie Lee/Hanks/Connery/Reynolds from '09.

1. First Presidential Debate (Bush/Gore)
from episode 26.01 - Rob Lowe, Original Air Date 10/07/2000

You may wonder why this is what I consider to be the best SNL sketch of all time. This is one of the few on this list that I actually remember coming out when I was younger, and in retrospect it sums up perfectly the political and social power that SNL can have at its pinnacle. Before the Tina Fey/Palin sketches of this past season, this was the benchmark for SNL political humor. The sketch pits then Governor George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) against Vice President Al Gore (Darrell Hammond at his peak) in a satire of the actual debates occurring at the time. The crux of the sketch isn't necessarily the great impressions (Ferrell's Bush is more of a caricature than anything), but of the ingenious ability of the writers to nail down the two candidates traits to two words that the media was able to pick up and run with: "lockbox" and "strategery," the latter of which became synonymous with the Bush administration. Some have said that the public voted not based on the real candidates but rather their SNL portrayals, and whatever that says about America, it sure says a lot about SNL's raw power and influence that continues to this day, no matter how many times Andy Samberg punches things.

In my next entry, which hopefully won't be 4 months from now, I'll list some runners up.

Top 25 Best Saturday Night Live Sketches Ever (Part 4)

2009-07-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight I present part 4 of my top 25 SNL sketches series, including numbers 5-9. Not much longer now until the top 5!

9. Delicious Dish (with Alec Baldwin #1)
from episode 24.09 - Alec Baldwin, Original Air Date 09/12/1998

This is one of those Christmas classics that for some reason or another works on several different levels. The Delicious Dish sketches were always dead-on parodies of NPR programming, and both Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon (in a rare subdued role) perfectly spoof the typically smooth-voiced hosts of public radio, complete with lame jokes and square puns. Alec Baldwin is the real show stopper here, however, as he just as monotonously described his holiday creations with little to no regard to the rampant double entendres spewing out of his mouth. Most people have seen this sketch at some point or another, but the perfectly delivered punchline always delivers to me. Good times, good times.

8. The Angry Boss
from episode 26.18 - Pierce Brosnan, Original Air Date 05/05/2001

I think it's safe to say that this might be Will Ferrell's craziest moment on SNL, and that's really saying something. Will is always good at playing angry, hyper-manly characters, but I think the writing is what really takes this one over the top, as well as Brosnan's attempts at not laughing and the usual brilliance from Chris Parnell as Will's "nemesis." Many of the jokes seem to be prototypes of what would later appear in Anchorman, so I'm willing to bet that they had the same writer. Above all this sketch perfectly utilizes the rule of over-doing something just the right amount to keep it funny.

7. Space: The Infinite Frontier (with Jeff Goldblum)
from episode 22.20 - Jeff Goldblum, Original Air Date 05/17/1997

What, two Will Ferrell sketches in a row? I say it's unavoidable in a list like this, and several other sketches with him just barely didn't make the cut. Anyway, Will was not the greatest impressionist during his tenure on SNL, however like his predecessor Dana Carvey, he became known for exaggerating certain aspects of his subjects' personality and forming his impression off of that. His eccentric take on legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray would certainly qualify as exaggerated, and while quite amusing in his own right (see this runner-up video of him on Colin Quinn's first Update), the absurdity is taken to another level when the character is inexplicably placed in his own space show. Add in Jeff Goldblum, and needless to say, hillarity ensues.

6. Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker (with Christina Applegate)
from episode 18.19 - Christina Applegate, Original Air Date 05/08/1993

Chris Farley was one of the most genuinely funny guys to ever grace the SNL stage, and in doing so created one of the most memorable characters of the 1990s. Farley had a penchant for physical humor, throwing himself about the stage with remarkable ease and dexterity while flailing his arms and legs and shouting in his loud, thundering voice. All of these elements combined to create a diminutive, angry motivational speaker who despite all his shortcomings still managed to find work over 3 seasons on SNL. The first sketch will always be the best, though, with a rare crack-up from David Spade as he understandably is overwhelmed by Farley's brute force sense of humor.

5. Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult
from episode 25.16 - Christopher Walken, Original Air Date 04/08/2000

Considered by some to be the greatest SNL sketch of all time, the infamous "More cowbell" sketch lands on my list and number 5. There's not much I can really say about this that hasn't already been said. While Ferrell and Walken are thr ones who usually get credit for the shear absurd hillarity of this sketch, there's no way it would have been as funny without Parnell's straight-man, and yes, even Jimmy Fallon's standard laughter plays a key role in this, for it sets off the chain reaction that eventually gets the entire cast, including Ferrell, to laugh, a rare occurance indeed. I've got a fever!

Facebook Video Dump

2009-07-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

I decided spontaneously to go back through my entire Facebook profile and archive all of the random video things that I've ever put up into one neat and tidy blog post. As a side note, I was quite surprised to find how far back my Facebook records actually go (January 2005). That's some scary stuff. Anyway what follows is some not so scary stuff, chronologically from most current to oldest. Things that I consider especially awesome are in bold.

July 8 2009 - Web Site Story (CollegeHumor)
July 7 2009 - Conan Explores the Universal Studios Lot (The Tonight Show, Hulu)
July 4 2009 - Team America music video (MySpace)
July 2 2009 - Me dancing to Journey from 2007 (YouTube)
June 30 2009 - Jeff Goldblum "Memorial" (The Colbert Report, Hulu)
June 23 2009 - Johnny Strange Interview (The Tonight Show, Hulu)
June 20 2009 - Triumph Visits Bonnaroo (The Tonight Show, NBC.com)
June 17 2009 - Obama kills fly during interview (YouTube)
June 15 2009 - Crossfire commercial (YouTube)
June 10 2009 - Conan and Andy Canoe the LA River (The Tonight Show, Hulu)
June 2 2009 - Conan Takes the Universal Tram (The Tonight Show, Hulu)
June 2 2009 - Tonight Show Cold Open (The Tonight Show, Hulu)
May 17 2009 - Celebrity Jeopardy w/Tom Hanks, Norm MacDonald (SNL, Hulu)
May 12 2009 - Kia "Soul Hamsters" commercial (YouTube)
May 10 2009 - Torii Hunter's amazing catch (MLB.com)
May 10 2009 - Motherlover (SNL, Hulu)
May 3 2009 - Jack in the Box Menopause smoothie commercial (YouTube)
March 18 2009 - AIG/St. Patty's Day protesters (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
March 12 2009 - Saturday Morning Watchmen (YouTube)
March 4 2009 - Mess-o'Potamia: The War is Over (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
March 1 2009 - WKUK: Dumb Newscast (Whitest Kids U Know, YouTube)
February 27 2009 - Bobby Jindal's Republican Response (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
February 22 2009 - Conan/Colbert String Dance-Off (Late Night w/Conan O'Brien, Hulu)
February 16 2009 - Scheduling Meeting from hell (SNL, Hulu)
February 9 2009 - Really?!?: Michael Phelps edition (SNL, Hulu)
February 5 2009 - Stephen Colbert's Remix Challenge (The Colbert Report, Comedy Central)
January 27 2009 - Guantanamo Baywatch: The Final Season (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
January 19 2009 - Gitmo Closing Ad (SNL, Hulu)
January 13 2009 - Whopper Virgins (SNL, Hulu)
January 13 2009 - Orchestral Doogie Howser Theme (SNL, Hulu)
January 7, 2009 - Puppedential Debate (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
December 16 2008 - White House 2008 Barneycam (CBS, YouTube)
December 16 2008 - Jizz in My Pants (SNL, YouTube)
November 28 2008 - Mad Men: The Carousel (Mad Men, YouTube)
November 20 2008 - CNN Magic Wall Conspiracy Thriller (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
November 12 2008 - Role Playing w/Dwight (The Office, Hulu)
November 7 2008 - Sarah Palin is So Dumb... (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
November 3 2008 - Vote or Lie (YouTube)
October 30 2008 - Obama and McCain Dance Off (YouTube)
October 25 2008 - Mandalorian Dance (DailyMotion)
October 24 2008 - SNL Update Thursday: Bush Endorsement (SNL, Hulu)
October 24 2008 - 10,000 McCainiacs (The Daily Show, Comedy Central)
October 24 2008 - More Hatred at a Palin Rally (YouTube)
October 16 2008 - Vincent Lin Must Die! Special Edition (YouTube)
October 10 2008 - SNL Update Thursday: Debate Opening (SNL, Hulu)
September 28 2008 - Couric / Palin Opening (SNL, Hulu)
September 27 2008 - Katie Couric exclusive Palin interview (CBS.com)
September 15 2008 - Hillary / Palin Cold Opening (SNL, Hulu)
September 5 2008 - The Pretentious and the Belligerent (Nickochoa.com)
July 8 2008 - ImprovEverywhere: Suicide Jumper (YouTube)
July 8 2008 - ImprovEverywhere: Food Court Musical (YouTube)
May 21 2008 - WKUK: What Really Happened to Abe Lincoln (Whitest Kids U Know, YouTube)
April 9 2008 - Googly Eyes Gardener (SNL, Hulu)
February 5 2008 - Yes We Can Obama song by Will.i.am (YouTube)
January 6 2008 - The Pretentious and the Belligerent Promo Scene #1 (YouTube)
December 22 2007 - Santa Saves Xmas (YouTube)
August 16 2007 - Colbert Ingmar Bergman Tribute (The Cobert Report, Comedy Central)
June 14 2007 - Brains and Brawn Promo Scene #1 (YouTube)
May 17 2007 - Open Toes Trailer #1 (YouTube)
March 26 2007 - The Meeting (Nickochoa.com)
February 7 2007 - Interruption. (YouTube)

And there you have it. I assume that before 2007 Facebook didn't have video posting capability, so that is EVERYTHING. Kind of amazing how much higher the volume is now than 2 years ago.

A Handy Chart I Made

2009-06-01T00:02:00.001-07:00

Seriously.

Top 25 Best Saturday Night Live Sketches Ever (Part 3)

2009-05-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight I present part 3 of my top 25 SNL sketches series, including numbers 10-14.

14. Roxbury Guys (with Jim Carrey)
from episode 21.20 - Jim Carrey, Original Air Date 05/18/1996

Of all the SNL sketches that would eventually get turned into movies, this classic bit featuring Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, and a rotating host seems like the least likely candidate. However something about the simple premise - a bunch of guys club hopping looking to "score" set to Haddaway's "What is Love" - just clicks. This particular version of this sketch was not the first nor the last, and while Tom Hanks, Sylvester Stalone, and Cameron Diaz put their own spins on the third character, it is the performance of Jim Carrey that pushes this sketch into legendary status... as well as the increasing absurdity of the locations that the brothers frequent. This sketch also gets bonus points for having 1995 era cell phones in it.

13. The French Chef
from episode 4.08 - Eric Idle, Original Air Date 12/09/1978

I think I saw this absurdly hilarious sketch on TV when I was younger, and frankly I'm surprised it didn't scar me in any way. That being said, one of the greatest strengths of early SNL was physical comedy - it was present in the earlier Belushi Samurai sketch, and it's equally present here in Dan Aykroyd's wonderful send up of cooking host Julia Child complete with a cleverly situated blood hose and perhaps one of the greatest understatements in sketch comedy history: "I've cut the dickens out of my finger."

12. Bill Clinton at McDonald's
from episode 18.08 - Tom Arnold, Original Air Date 12/05/1992

Nowadays Darrell Hammond is known as perhaps the best Bill Clinton impersonator around, however during his first few years in office he was played by Phil Hartman, who did an equally great job. However probably the sketch that both captured Clinton's mannerisms and public persona is this gem from before he was even elected president. The best part is the self-prophesizing line about there being a lot of things he won't tell Mrs Clinton about, several years before the Lewinsky scandal.

11. Point/Counterpoint
from episode 4.15 - Margot Kidder, Original Air Date 03/17/1979

There have been many of these segments on Weekend Update over the years, but it was Dan Aykroyd who popularized the standard rebuttal of "Jane, you ignorant slut," delivered in a deadpan tone that only Aykroyd could pull off. On top of that, his response is some of the best writing to ever appear on the show.

10. Wayne's World with Aerosmith
from episode 15.13 - Tom Hanks, Original Air Date 02/17/1990

Wayne's World is another iconic SNL sketch, and it was tough choosing between this one and the similarly amazing Madonna Dream installment that parodies her "Justify My Love" video, but in the end I had to go with this one, simply because Mike Myers and Dana Carvey actually join Aerosmith at the end in playing the Wayne's World theme song. Oh, and Tom Hanks is in it, too.

Rembering Nick Adenhart

2009-04-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

It's taken me a couple of days to gather my thoughts on the tragedy that occurred to a young Angels pitcher and his 3 friends last Wednesday night. For those of you who may not have heard, rookie Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart, 22, and three of his companions were involved in a hit and run drunk driving accident in the early hours of last Thursday. Adenhart and two of his three friends were killed when a drunk driver with a BAC three times the legal limit ran through a red light in Fullerton and broadsided their vehicle. The driver then attempted to flee the scene but was found and later detained. Earlier that evening, Adenhart had just pitched the best game of his young career against the Oakland Athletics.

When news of this tragedy first reached me, I was in shock. As most of you are probably aware, I'm a huge baseball fan and a devout follower of the Angels. I recently took a job as a fan photographer for Angels home games, and I was at the game that Wednesday night that Nick pitched in his final game. As a relatively young Angels fan myself, I had taken an interest in the young prospect because, being a year younger than me, he was the first player that I knew of to be younger than me in the Major Leagues. Beyond that, we shared the same first name, and based on a few stories I had read about him, we seemed to have the same quiet demeanor. In a way, I guess, I found myself able to identify with him, athletic talent not withstanding.

Adenhart was first called up to the majors last year, in 2008, for a few spot starts due to injuries in the Angels' rotation. The young phenom would finally get a chance to show what he was capable of against Major League hitting. Unfortunately, things did not go well for him in his first couple of starts, and even though he collected his first Win as an Angel, he was sent down to the minors for the rest of the season. For 2009, injuries again allowed Adenhart to earn a spot on the opening day rotation, and this time, after several good starts in spring training, he was able to dominate in his first start in April against a fairly formidable A's lineup. Although he did not win the game (as the bullpen would give away the lead in later innings), that Nick pitched well was an understatement.

It was only hours later that he was senselessly killed. This was not an accident through any fault of his own. He nor his friends were drunk. They were all wearing their seatbelts. They were proceeding through a routine green light at a routine intersection. And just like that, he was gone.

I've talked about the baseball aspects of Nick mainly because I never got the chance to meet him in person. There are people far more qualified than me who have written far more personally about the event then I ever could. I feel so much for his family, for the players that played with him, for his friends. By all accounts he was as good of a kid as any. As a fan, I felt like I was losing a friend. I could not even begin to imagine what those who actually knew him have been feeling.

As I've said, there are others who have been able to say things that I am unable to. While I haven't scoured the nets looking for articles about the tragedy (given that I get teary-eyed just thinking about it), below I've listed a few good places to start to get a better idea of who this young man was that we lost so early to drunk driving.

Lyle Spencer, Angels beat writer - Remembering Nick
"Rev Halofan", owner of Halosheaven.com - The Loss of Nick Adenhart
Bill Shaikin, LA Time writer - Alone with his grief in baseball cathedral
Dustin Moseley, Angels pitcher - video press conference
Torii Hunter, Angels outfielder - MLB network phone call

Someone on Halos Heaven mentioned that God needed Nick for his own All-Star team. I think that's probably the best way anyone can put it.

Top 25 Best Saturday Night Live Sketches Ever (Part 2)

2009-03-31T00:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I present part 2 of my top 25 SNL sketches series, including numbers 15-19.

19. Wake Up and Smile
from episode 21.08 - David Alan Grier, Original Air Date 12/09/1995

Starting off tonight's count is a very early Will Ferrell sketch from his first year at SNL, also featuring the underrated Nancy Walls and host David Alan Grier as members of a morning show that must cope with a broken teleprompter. Naturally things devolve fairly quickly into a surreal Lord of the Flies style fight for survival that showcases Will's talent for the insane.

18. Japanese Game Show
from episode 20.08 - Alec Baldwin, Original Air Date 12/10/1994

For number 18 we travel back exactly one year earlier, an odd transitory season with few bright spots. Here is one of the few exceptions that is played brilliantly by Mike Meyers, in one of his final SNL performances, speaking what I'm pretty sure is fairly accurate Japanese throughout the entire sketch. This is also the rare sketch where host Alec Baldwin doesn't steal the show, instead that honor goes to Chris Farley as the perplexed American tourist trying to manage his way through the insane game show that surrounds him.

17. Reagan the Mastermind
from episode 12.06 - Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Martin Short; Original Air Date 12/06/1986

One of SNL's strongest points that I have really yet to touch on in this list is their ability for political satire, no matter who the incumbent is (The classic Lewinsky-era Clinton sketches are an example). This gem comes from another transitory time in SNL's history, and features the late Phil Hartman doing an impeccable President Reagan with a split-personality. The way he manages to transfor between the public Reagan and the evil, scheming, mastermind version is utter brilliance.

16. Samurai Delicatessen
from episode 1.10 - Buck Henry, Original Air Date 01/17/1976

"NBC'S Saturday Night," as the show was known during its first year, had what many consider to be the most ultimately well-rounded cast that the show's ever had, and while it would be a good 9 years before I was born, I can appreciate the talents of the legendary John Belushi and his samurai character. The humor here is much different from the modern show, not particularly refined, but with a much stronger emphasis on absurdity and sight gags, which is pretty much what you'd expect with a sketch called "Samurai Delicatessen."

15. Lazy Sunday
from episode 31.09 - Jack Black, Original Air Date 12/17/2005

Before I started making this list I had no idea that this famous Digital Short and the spelling bee sketch were from the same episode. Either way, the Digital Shorts are probably the most well known feature of the current era of SNL, and it was a hard decision to choose this Short over some of it's brethren (particularly Dick in a Box, and other lesser known ones such as Business Meeting), but ultimately this classic featuring Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell put SNL back on the map after several disappointing post-Will Ferrell seasons. With so many incredible one-liners, it can hardly be argued that "Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious."

Check back later in the week for 10-14...

Top 25 Best Saturday Night Live Sketches Ever (Part 1)

2009-03-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

In thinking about a topic to write about, I've decided to call upon a subject that I have a fairly intimate knowledge of. Over the next couple of days I'll be running down what I feel are the 25 best sketches that have ever been on Saturday Night Live. As a disclaimer, with me being the age that I am I've only seen a few of the episodes from the 70s and 80s, as obviously I wasn't born until 1985 and the old repeats on E! only ranged back to 1989-ish. Obviously I'm probably missing some great obscure sketches from that period but I still feel like I've compiled a list an adequate list. With all that being said, let's begin.

25. Dysfunctional Family Dinner
from episode 23.11 - Sarah Michelle Gellar, Original Air Date 01/17/1998

This first sketch is classic Will Ferrell: the screaming, over-maniacal, egomaniac who spurts off randomly hillarious phrases such as "I drive a Dodge Stratus!" What really makes this sketch is how well Will and fellow cast member Ana Gasteyer (and host Sarah Michelle Gellar) manage to sit there in dead silence as they pick at their food without cracking up. This kind of understated tension is something we don't see from Will very often today (think of how over the top he is in Anchorman or Talladega Nights) but easily helps this sketch into the first spot.

24. Dieter's Dream
from episode 18.16 - Miranda Richardson, Original Air Date 03/20/1993

Mike Myers is known for his outlandish characters and sometimes surreal sense of humor, and never is it more apparent in this classic send-up of avant garde films. Myers' Dieter character first appeared as host of the German show "Sprockets" where he would command guests to dance and touch his pet monkey. Here he puts his character into a brilliant parody of German experimental films, complete with nonsensical imagery and rambling dialogue.

23. Spelling Bee
from episode 31.09 - Jack Black, Original Air Date 12/17/2005

Alright, so here's an obscure little gem featuring Will Forte demonstrating some wicked knowledge of comedic timing. Several of Forte's characters speak in this diminutive, droll voice, but here he ruthlessly pushes it to extremes and takes the audience along with him as they decide on whether or not the spiel is still funny or not. Forte's been on the show for 6 years now and it's a wonder more people don't know about his raw talent.

22. Bambi 2002
from episode 27.19 - Kirsten Dunst, Original Air Date 05/11/2002

Robert Smigel's "TV Funhouse" shorts have always been hit or miss with me, however there is no denying the shear awesomeness that is Bambi 2002. Smigel hits the nail on the head with this brilliant parody of Disney and its constant desire to re sell rehashes of its old classics for a modern audience and a quick buck. The utter randomness of stock footage used in this (scenes from Akira and a Yankees game) only adds to the hilarity.

21. Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic
from episode 18.04 - Christopher Walken, Original Air Date 10/24/1992

Christopher Walken is well known for being one of SNL's most frequent and funniest hosts (and this isn't his only appearance on this list), however he steals the show as a man who received psychic powers in an accident, yet can only use them to foreshadow trivial matters, like slipping on a wet floor or getting an ice-cream headache. Walken's over the top jolts and facial expressions every time he touches one of his co-workers hands (as well as the cast's incredulous reactions to him) easily rank this sketch as one of Walken and SNL's best.

20. Debbie Downer at Walt Disney World
from episode 29.18 - Lindsay Lohan, Original Air Date 05/01/2004

One of the things that Jimmy Fallon is perhaps best known for during his 6 year tenure on SNL was his tendency to crack up during sketches that weren't all that funny to begin with. The difference with this first Debbie Downer sketch is that not only is the entire premise so absurdly funny, but the entire cast actually breaks character more than Jimmy does. Things eventually get so bad that the cast can barely make it through to the end, with host Lindsay Lohan trying her hardest to force herself to proclaim that Rache Dratch's character is actually ruining her time at Disney World. The unfortunate thing about how legendary this sketch was is that the writers decided to make it recurring, and none of the subsequent iterations of the character manage to come anywhere close to what this one achieved.

I'll take a look at the next 5 in my list in the next week....

A Magical Adventure

2009-01-19T01:29:00.001-08:00

Because I decided to get an annual pass to Disneyland at the start of the year, I've been finding myself there several times over the last month. Today, however, was probably the longest tour of duty that I have yet engaged in, and it is with great magic that I present the event log for the day.

12:00 PM ARRIVE DISNEYLAND RESORT

Enter CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE
1. Get fastpass for "Tower of Terror"
2. Ride "Soarin' Over California" (40 Minute wait)
3. Ride "Tower of Terror" (10 Minute wait)
Exit CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE

Enter DOWNTOWN DISNEY
4. Eat lunch at Tortilla Jo's
5. Get coffee at Compass Books
6. Walk through Grand Californian Hotel to try to get back to CA Adventure... fail.
Exit DOWNTOWN DISNEY

Enter CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE
7. Ride "Grizzly River Run" (50 minute wait)
8. Get in line for "Toy Story Mania" (50 minute wait)
9. Get out of line to go run to Disneyland and get a fastpass
Exit CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE

Enter DISNEYLAND
10. Get a fastpass for "Indiana Jones" that activates 5 hours later
Exit DISNEYLAND

Enter CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE
11. Return to and ride "Toy Story Mania"
12. Get a churro
Exit CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE

Enter DISNEYLAND
13. Contemplate the Matterhorn's ridiculously long "35 minute" wait queue
14. Watch "Honey I Shrunk the Audience" (5 minute wait)
15. Get a fastpass for "Autopia"
16. Ride "Space Mountain" (60 minute wait)
17. Eat dinner at Pizza Port
18. Ride "Autopia" (10 minute wait)
19. Ride "Big Thunder Mountain" (25 minute wait)
20. Ride "Splash Mountain" (30 minute wait)
21. Ride "Winnie the Pooh" (5 minute wait)
22. Get ice cream at Gibson Girl Ice Cream Parlor
23. FINALLY Ride "Indiana Jones" (15 minute wait)
Exit DISNEYLAND

11:20 PM LEAVE DISNEYLAND RESORT

As you can imagine my feet are going to fall off. Also, I'm done with Disneyland for awhile.

I Got Ambitious.

2009-01-10T00:28:00.000-08:00

So now all of my photos ever from 2003 to 2009 are up on Picasa. Have fun.

http://picasaweb.google.com/neochoa

Randomly Important Photos for Historical Importance

2009-01-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

EDIT: JK I AM USING PICASA NOT FLICKR

Against my better judgment I have decided to put every single photo that I have ever taken since 2003 up on Picasa for archival purposes. To that end I am starting from 2003 and slowly making my way to the present day, and I invite all of you lovely people to accompany me on my journey through time and space.

For now there's a small chunk from 2003 itself up, including some from France. I have a limit to how many MBs of photos I can put up a month and these old film digitizations take up a lot of space, but I'll post here whenever I upload more.

PICASA: http://picasaweb.google.com/neochoa

Also if you're viewing this on Blogger, I changed my layout. What do you think, America? If you're viewing this on facebook, then you're lazy!

As for an update on the holiday cards, the sent me FOUR. I'm still gonna send some out but I haven't decided what to do yet, so that's why no one has gotten any. Patience!

WTF UPS

2008-12-18T14:10:00.000-08:00

LOUISVILLE, KY, US	12/18/2008	4:00 P.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
	12/18/2008	11:47 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN
COLUMBUS, OH, US	12/18/2008	7:33 A.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
	12/18/2008	5:22 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN
NEW STANTON, PA, US	12/18/2008	1:15 A.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
NEW STANTON, PA, US	12/17/2008	1:58 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN
LAUREL, MD, US	12/16/2008	8:34 P.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
LAUREL, MD, US	12/15/2008	9:07 P.M.	ORIGIN SCAN
US	12/15/2008	7:42 P.M.	BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

Seriously UPS, are you purposely trying to not get me my holiday cards?

News Dump!

2008-12-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

There's a couple of things I've wanted to put out there.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28139155/ - Illinois Governor tried to 'Auction' Obama's seat

So finally a Democrat politician does something wrong, and it's for something as asinine as this? Trying to auction off the senate seat previously occupied by the president-elect? C'mon, guys, step it up. The Republicans get in trouble over having man sex with each other and this is the best you can do? This isn't the 1920s. Anyway how this guy managed to get elected is very face-palm inducing indeed.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

MSNBC Replaces Fox News

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

I knew MSNBC was in the tank for Obama, but it looks like they're gonna start going all the way. Fortunately FOX News isn't going to go down without a fight. My favorite Daily Show segments are the ones that make fun of the horrible mess that make up our cable news networks, and this one shows just how much they try to pull people into their gaping maw.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653 - A biblical argument for gay marriage?

Now I don't normally discuss this kind of thing because I feel like the arguments both sides of this issue use are flawed ("prop h8te"? Really guys? Get off of your pedestals. To say that everyone who voted 'yes on 8' hates gays is bull). But I found this article to be an interesting read as it tries to present an opposing viewpoint to what we typically hear, and judging by the comments, aren't used to hearing.

Lastly, I leave you with this pleasant image:

Seriously. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH OF THIS SHIT. They even have little books about the two actors and their incredibly long and detailed movie careers, complete with fold-out posters and paparazzi-esque photos. Ugh.

The California Propositions

2008-10-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

With the election coming up, I thought I'd weigh in on the propositions on the ballot in my good state of California, since there are so many of them and several seem to be quite the misleading.

Proposition 1: High-Speed Rail Bonds: YES
This is a great idea that's taken forever to make it to a ballot. High-speed rail is a clean, energy efficient mode of transportation that will severely cut down on travel time and costs between Los Angeles and San Francisco. The people involved have spent years developing this plan, and most of the money is already in place.

Proposition 2: Farm Animal Protection: YES
This will require humane treatment for farm animals and allow chickens and other animals to move around and not be confined to a tiny box. If we're going to eat animals, we should at least not be bastards about it.

Proposition 3: Children's Hospital Bond Act: NO
This one has tricky language, and obviously a no vote makes me seem like I hate children, but apparently there was an act like this a few years ago that passed in which the money allocated has yet to be completely used up. I don't think redundant spending is something we need right now.

Proposition 4: Parent Notification of Abortion: NO
There is some tricky language here as well, however I've always felt that the law should stay out of this kind of an issue. While I don't condone abortion as a method of birth control, restricting teens and forcing them to notify their parents will only lead them to less legal, more dangerous methods of obtaining an abortion.

Proposition 5: Nonviolent Drug Offenses/Parole Restructuring: YES
The main reason this is on the ballot is due to the apparent overcrowding of our jail and prison system that is costing our state more money than it should. Keep in mind that this is all for generally noviolent crimes. It also establishes drug treatment facilities and rehab centers.

Proposition 6: Law Enforcement Funding: NO
As much as I hate to deny our law enforcement funding, this doesn't solve the root of the criminal problem. Also a yes vote on 5 makes part of this redundant. We need to work with what we already have available to us.

Proposition 7: Renewable Energy Initiative: NO
This seems like a good idea in theory, however it imposes way too many restrictions way too quickly. There is already a renewable energy incentive in place that will force companies to use more of it. A constant failure of so many green initiatives is the inability to think long term. It sounds great to turn every energy company into a green company that runs on cow pies, however forcing the issue with such a quick time frame will have disastrous effects on the economy. Moving towards greener industries must be done with careful planning.

Proposition 8: Elimination of Right for Same-Sex Marriages: NO
This should be a non-issue. I understand the traditional, religious definition of marriage, but this obviously extends beyond that. If we're going to allow people of all different religions and beliefs to marry, there should be NO reason why homosexual couples can't get married either. Sure civil unions allow the same thing, in writing, but it's obviously not the same thing in the minds of those couples. If heterosexual couples can have unhappy marriages with divorce, then homosexuals should be able to have happy marriages. All of the reasons about protecting our families and the sanctity of marriage is complete and udder bullshit and is just thinly veiled religious-based discrimination. I guarantee the vast majority of gay families will be a hell of a lot more functional than hetero ones.

Proposition 9: Victim's Rights Ammendment: NO
It seems as though victims already have many rights regarding their cases. I'm not exactly sure what the benefit of this would be.

Proposition 10: Alternative Fuel Vehicle Initiatives: NO
People are already aware of our energy crisis, and sales figures show that they are buying more fuel efficient cars without the government's help. Let the money go someplace else.

Proposition 11: Redistricting Initiative: YES
This allows redistricting to occur based on lines drawn by an independent commission made up of citizens, not politicians.

Proposition 12: Veteran's Bond: YES
This provides farm and home aid for California veterans. Our vets already have a hard enough time as it is, being veterans and all.

Feel free to lambaste my three cents!

Clinton's Return, Part II: Electric Boogaloo

2008-09-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

(Note: if you're reading this on facebook, click here to read part one.)

Barack Obama took a moment to pause as he crawled through the White House's air ducts, intent on exacting his revenge on those who had put him in this situation. He recalled coming home, two weeks prior to the election, only to find a dozen members of the SWAT team waiting for him. He remembered their sad, disbelieving looks as they piled up tons of Al-Qaida propaganda that had been wrongfully been planted in his home. He even remembered the look on his neighbor little Jimmy Johnson's 13 year old face as he ripped off his Obama/Biden button, threw it to the ground, and then spat in Obama's face. Barack could feel the sting of the child's spit even as he was thrown into the back of the SWAT vehicle and take away on a route that would eventually lead him to the deepest darkest depths of Guantanamo Bay. Now, five months later, he sat huddled in an air vent above the oval office, munching on an arugula, brie, and pear croissanwich that he had managed to conjur up while riding first class back to America. It was time to let people know who the rightful president was.

Barack finished his sandwich and began crawling towards the war room, where he had heard Hillary Clinton, President of the United States, scuttle off to before he so eloquently dispatched of her husband, former president William Jefferson Clinton. He paused, as he heard voices below.

"Hillary, my friend, this is not why I agreed to be your vice president," sputterred John McCain, still reeling from the piping hot Chai latte that Hillary had thrown in his face. He looked up to see the commander in chief with fire in her eyes.

"Listen, John, I know you have 'foreign policy experience' and everything," retorted Hillary, air-quotes and all, "but I'll have you know that i know exactly what I'm doing without you." She moved back to the war table and picked up Russian president Dmitri Medvedev again. "You see, I know this guy's a pansy. I know that if we ally with..." she scanned the map, picking up French president Nicolas Sarkozy, "...say, this guy, we should be able to kick his pussy commie ass."

McCain snickered. "Hillary, Sarko is french. You can't expect..."

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" Hillary screamed as she chucked the figure at McCain, who blocked it with little hesitation. Hillary raised an eyebrow. "How did you dodge that?"

Suddenly, there was a large crash as Barack Obama smashed through the air duct above and flipped down to the ground. "I think the real question, Hillary, is how are you going to dodge my plan for your demise!"

Hillary's eyes widened as she turned her back to McCain and faced her former Democratic nominee competitor. "Barack Obama! How the hell did you get here?"

Barack cracked his knuckles. "With grit, determination, and a little bit of hope." He paused, tilting his head back in reflection. "also, I killed a lot of people."

"Well, you're not leaving this room alive!" Hillary blared, pulling out a gun from her belt and tossing it to John McCain. "John! You know how to fight. Kill him!"

McCain raised the gun in front of him, feeling the smooth, cold metal upon his fingertips. Instantly, he was reminded of the Republican values that he stood for and had fought so hard to protect. Unflinching, he aimed the gun and fired.

President Hillary Clinton gasped out in horror as the bullet pierced her heart. "Jo---John....w--w-why?"

"My friend, you are unfit for command. I am hearby relieving you of your duty from this earth." With that, John McCain emptied the chamber into Hillary, and she slumped to the floor, dead.

Barack Obama observed the situation in front of him, and after a moment, moved to shake John McCain's hand. "Sir, I know we debated long and hard about our policies, but right now I can confidently say that that was the best decision you have ever made."

McCain stood there, staring at Obama's outstretched hand. "I'm sorry, Mr. Obama, but you see... I'm the president now. And I'm afraid I can't let anyone jeopardize that." McCain snapped his fingers, which brought two White House page boys into the room, who instantly began moving Hillary's body aside. "You see, Hillary was insane. But unlike her, I don't need to control everything. I know my limits. But I do need to control the direction of this country. I need to make sure that every mother, father, and child believes in the fundamental message that my party strives for: government control is evil, unless we're trying to ban something like gay marriage, abortion, or casual Fridays. Then it's ok. For too long I've watched Hillary bastardize the white house with her pro-menstrual cycle agenda. But now, it's big John's time to rise."

Obama approached McCain, his hand still outstretched. "Look, John. You're out of bullets. We don't need this partisan conflict. We can be president, together! Think of how wonderfully progressive that would be! It would be an administration full of change and hope!"

"I'm afraid it's too late, Barack." Mc Cain inched closer to a door in the wall, hovering his hand over the button that would open it. A smile formed on his lips.

"Wait, John, don't do it!" Obama cried out, as John pushed the button. The door groaned and hissed open as fog and smoke blew out from the white, cold room behind. A shadowy figure appeared from the mists and the faint smell of Clinique lipstick filled the air. Obama narrowed his eyes as he tried to make out the figure.

"Yes, that's it," exclaimed McCain, wringing his hands together in joy, "come forward!" The mists began to clear, revealing the figure to be that of a slender woman dressed in a red suitjacket with a sash that read "Miss Alaska" draped over her supple bosom. In one arm she held a rifle and in the other, an infant. Unflinching, she cocked the rifle with her free hand and swung it around to point at Barack.

"Nice to meet you, Governor Obama. I'm Sarah Palin, and I'm here to kick your Ivy-league, elitist ass."

To be concluded!

Tales from (Future) History, Chapter 2: Clinton's Return

2008-05-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Beep, beep, beep.

Hillary Rodham Clinton awoke from a dreamless sleep to the sound of her monotonous alarm. Without skipping a beat, she shot her right arm out to the side, laying it rest on her husband's protruding stomach. William Jefferson Clinton, former 41st president of the United States, stirred groggily. "Whazzza?"

"Just checking." Hillary rolled ceremoniously out of bed, placing her feet into designer slippers while securing her Burberry robe around her waist. She briskly walked over to the nearby window and flung open the curtains, letting fresh sunlight pour through the room. Bill rolled over, moaning something incoherent about the light while Hillary proceded to fling open the windows, letting the ambient soundscape of chirping birds mixed with car alarms and fire sirens permeate the atmosphere.

"It's a great day to be president," exclaimed Hillary, breathing in the smog of Washington through her nostrils.

---

"Madame president?"

Hillary looked up in surprise from the White House's "war table." A figure of Iranian president Mahmūd Ahmadinejād fell out of her left hand while a tank fell out of her right. Quickly shuffling the various pieces around, she turned towards her visitor, the vice president.

"You don't need to hide those from me."

"I know, Vice President McCain, but I didn't know it was you," said Hillary, as she embraced John McCain warmly.

John chuckled and moved over to the table. "You know, Hillary, you look like a natural behind the table."

Hillary smiled, fiddling with a figure of Russian president Dmitry Medvedev. "Believe me, I know. Bill always let me move things around randomly." While saying this, Hillary knocked over a tank from Kosovo's position on the map.

"That's great, Hill-Dog." McCain's tone shifted to his more serious drawl. "So...if you don't mind me asking...how is Bara---"

Hillary quickly slapped John before he could finish his sentence. "Do NOT mention his name out in the open! Are you insane?"

"I'm just asking, I feel like I should know--"

"You only need to know what I decide to tell you! That was the agreement that was made!"

McCain backed against the wall. Hillary turned away from him for a moment, resting her hands on the table. Finally, she turned around, taking a sip from her chai latte that had been sitting on top of Switzerland. "You know, John, it wasn't easy planting all of that 9/11 terrorist paraphenelia in Barack's home. Do you have any idea how many of Rudy's people I had to pay off for that stuff? TOO many." Hillary began to walk menacingly towards McCain, taking another sip of her latte while slowly unscrewing the lid. "Barack is going to be in Guantanamo for a very long time, and there's no way he's going to ever get out!"

She proceded to thrust the remainder of her chai latte into McCain's face, causing him to cry out in pain. "You're a monster, Hillary! You're more of a monster than the entire Vietnamese army."

"How did you ever think you would get into this House all by yourself?" Hillary fumed, "You're nothing but a washed up old man. While you're my vice president, you will continue to do as I say, understand?"

McCain wiped the remainder of the scalding liquid off of his face. He hung his head and managed to only utter the words "I've made a huge mistake."

---

Bill Clinton's lifeless body fell to the floor, blood spewing from his orifices. A shadowy female figure hovered above him, cracking her knuckles while beginning to unzip out of her clothes. As she removed her black jumpsuit, it became apparent that this woman was, in fact, a man in disguise. The figure loomed over Bill's body before removing the blonde wig and mask from his face, revealing his identity to his decesased pray.

"Can you smell what Barack is cooking?" said Former Senator Barack Obama, D-IL, wiping the remaining blood off of his hands.

...to be continued!

Clips from "Sketches"

2007-09-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've gotten around to uploading a few of the sketches from my high school comedy show, "Sketches in 'C' Major." Perhaps this will remind me that I still have a DVD to finish and release. Anyway, here they are.

The Soap Opera Sketch
(http://youtube.com/watch?v=JHPA2cggbJE)

The "Lord of the Rings" Cult
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-D5EgfDdDIY)

and of course, me lip-synching to Michelle Branch.
(http://youtube.com/watch?v=IKtTl6sM1gI)

More clips are available at my youtube account, and at http://www.neochoa.com/.

On Traffic and Related Novelities

2007-08-23T20:52:00.001-07:00

My current living situation following my departure from Santa Barbara has enabled me to have my first taste of constantly being on the road. As a resident of a city that is 20 miles away from the festive mothercity, which is itself another 10 or so from filmland, I have come to know something that I haven't really had to experience since my days at Fairmont: the commute. Growing up in the Los Angeles metropolitan area, albeit in the upper-class echelon of its vicinity more commonly known to Fox-watchers as "The OC," I learned to accept the inevitability of the necessity of commuting. For the first chunk of my time at Fairmont I rode the aptly named school bus, which meant that I had to be at the stop in Whittier a good hour before school began. This was greatly shortened to 20 minutes with my acquiring of more Southern Californian method of transport, a car, in my sophomore year. Yet with the deregulation of my morning schedule came my first experience with the intricacies and complicated nature of rush hour travel. Leaving at 7:35 became my prime departure time due to the nature of the 5 freeway at the time I arrived there, however on times that I left earlier I discovered that I was met with significantly less traffic.

These slight inconsistencies later paved the way for my acceptance of the common Los Angeles description of time between any two places within the city as "20 minutes." Indeed, in my head I am 20 minutes away from Fairmont, Jon's house, Julia's old dorm, Angel Stadium, the Block, the Fullerton train station, Birch street (on a bad day), and even downtown Los Angeles (on a good day), despite the fact that the distance of these locations from my residence vary widely. Another important thing that I incorporated into my figures of distance was the "-with traffic" suffix which denotes my estimated arrival time (of 20 minutes) with the added exception of more time should I be "caught in traffic." Traffic in Los Angeles, as you know if you've ever lived here, varies exceedingly wildly depending on time of day, time of year, time on Tom Cruise's Scientology clock, and the positioning of the harvest moon in the sky. Thus, traffic is an every day occurrence and only rarely does it not occur. In my frequent trips to and from Santa Barbara I have attempted to establish a reliable time to travel when I do not get stuck in traffic. I have failed in most of my attempts, thus it takes me anywhere from 1 hour and 50 minutes to 5 and a half hours to make the journey. Even at 10 o' clock on a Sunday I managed to encounter traffic in Hollywood. Where are people going at 10 o' clock on a Sunday? I guess I'm not "in" the industry deep enough to understand.

This discussion of traffic, while longer than I intended, leads into my intended topic. A little while ago I made the journey from The Orange County to Santa Barbara with a stopover in Century City for a job interview. My interview was at the unorthodox time of 5 o' clock on a Friday, so naturally assuming there would be traffic, I left my house at 3. To my surprise, I found that no traffic awaited me on the 5, despite the fact that two weeks prior I had left my house at the exact same time in the exact same direction and experienced traffic from Norwalk to San Fernando (about 35 miles). This unexplainable difference led me to arrive at my destination a full hour early, thus enabling me some time to cruise around Beverly Hills (looking for, admittedly, a Jamba Juice). Having reach Santa Monica Boulevard I invariably entered into the most traffic I had experienced all day. Somewhat bewildered, I remained in traffic until I decided that I should forgo the smoothie for after the interview. At the point when I was about to turn, however, I discovered that the cause of the traffic was the reduction of lanes to accommodate a funeral procession that was about to start. No sooner was I turning than a casket, accompanied by mourners, flash bulbs, and policemen came out of a church and headed towards the street. Only later did I discover this to be the funeral of producer Merv Griffin, accompanied by a plethora of famous people, including the governor, Pat Sajak, Alex Trebek, and Nancy Reagan (who I recognized as someone famous but didn't identify who immediately). Only in Los Angeles would a funeral cause such a commotion, and only there would I drive by and think, "oh, famous person died," and continue on my way.

Following my interview I once again departed on the road, taking the treacherous 405 out into the valley. Again, I was confounded at the lack of traffic. This did not last, however, and I ran into traffic upon my approach to Camarillo, of all places (long time readers of this blog will know of my affectation for the city). This traffic lasted for quite some time, and I became eager to know the cause of it. Eventually I discovered that the cause was not an accident, as I predicted, but instead a lone stalled car, in the center divider. The car itself did not appear to be in any sort of condition that would encourage rubbernecking, instead it's two attractive female passengers, straight up from LA and perched on the divider with arms folded and blonde hair flowing in the breeze, were enough to cause a traffic backup for a good 10 miles.

God Bless America.

I do look forward to experiencing more of the quirks that makes Los Angeles' mass freeway system so amazing, and hopefully in my commuting travels between home and my new job in Century City will provide me with more fodder for reflection on the state of this great city. That, or I'll end up going nuts and taking the metrolink.

Status Report

2007-08-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

For all who are interested (as well as those who aren't)...here's a little status update on my current situation.

I graduated from UCSB back in June, and officially finished up my classes two weeks ago. I've thus moved back home to Orange County until I get some money and job experience. I've had one interview thus far (meh), and I've got another one tomorrow and yet another on Friday... hopefully something good comes of either of them. Until then I'm stuck in THE OC with not much to do. I'm still editing Brains and Brawn, and I'm also looking to start writing again. I'm not quite ready for the "big project" that I have in my head so I want to see if I can do some shorts first. Also it'd be cool if anyone else is doing something that I can help on. I'd be more than willing to help out. I think it'd be a good idea if we formed a network so we always know what's going on with each other.

NEOFilm wise, I've sold out of the first run of Open Toes DVDs, with more on the way. I'm really impressed at how quickly I went through 50 DVDs. It's great that so many people were interested in the show.

I've also finished my NEOShorts, Volume One DVD, which contains every short film that I've done...ever. It's doubling as my reel so there's even some stuff from Vincent Lin Must Die! and Brains and Brawn on there. I'll be putting that up on my site as well.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'll be up in Santa Barbara from time to time, including this weekend. Keep in touch.

R.I.P. Alice 2004-2007

2007-04-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

It is with grave condolences that I must report that Alice, my laptop of almost three years, has resolutely died for good. After a three day battle that involved having her innards ravaged with methodical probing tools and fingers, it was finally determined that Alice could not be saved. At around 3:25 PM, Alice had her hard drive removed for salvaging, and the withered, battered yet tough shell that remained was cast off into the depths of the metaphorical recycling bin.

Alice had her memory wiped twice, and her original hard drive died in June, however she kept on persisting. She had cracks and holes, but still contained lots of important data and was always a constant companion. Alice is survived by a five year old DELL Dimension desktop affectionately dubbed Winston.

She's being replaced by a sexy DELL XPS M1210. I'm pretty sure I can manage.

A Tale of Two Sandals (Part One)

2006-11-23T10:54:00.000-08:00

Open Toes is a film currently in production as part of the Film and Media Studies 106 production course. The plot revolves around the segregation between two gangs at UCSB, the Rainbows and the Reefs, and a love story that emerges between two star-crossed lovers from opposing sides. The following is Part 1 of a series of entries about the production of the movie by writer Nick Ochoa. It is completely factual.

For those of you who don't know, I'm making another movie. Well, I wrote it, anyway; other people are making it, but that's besides the point. In late summer of 2006 I responded to a cry for assistance by one Sarah Dietrich, a charismatic producer with a movie idea hot off the presses. This producer had a dream - a dream of an epic tale whose effects would span multiple generations of Santa Barbarians, much as the Bible influenced several generations of Christian fundamentalists. She had a dream of a biting satire of a segregated society, whose very rivalry depended on such minuscule issues as what they wore on their feet. Indeed, this was a tale true to every form of segregation known to man (and only man). This tale was about the bitter rivalry between those who wear Rainbow sandals and those who wear Reef sandals.

It was to this vision that I answered the call. Sitting down with the starry-eyed producer for hours upon end over endless amounts of hot cocoa and cocaine, I learned of the epic nature of her vision.

"Unfortunately," she said to me, "I cannot translate my thoughts into words. This...is where I need you."

Such candor I had never seen before. "I'll take the case!" I shouted. I fervently began writing what I could of her dream, but condensing a 5 hour epic with a star cast (including Morgan Freeman as narrator) and battle scenes that rivaled Return of The King in choreography and extras down to a mere twenty minutes was no easy task. Night after night I walked along the cliffs for inspiration, searching for a muse from whom I could channel creative energy. Alas, the sea was a cold mistress, and I succeeded only in getting my laptop wet. I spiraled into a whirlwind of 60s-era depression, complete with the funky colors and Strawberry Alarm Clock playing in my head, and tried so many combinations of narcotics that I was close to becoming more dead than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.

And yet, I pressed on. After disappearing from society for more than a month, I emerged from the depths of Isla Vista with a script whittled down to thirty minutes. I debated with myself for literally hours, trying to figure out what had to be cut for the sake of sanity. Ultimately, it was the ten minute sex ghost orgy that concluded the film which had to be left on the cutting room floor. Heartbroken but confident, I returned to Sarah Dietrich with her vision faithfully translated to a Microsoft Word document. I'll never forget the words that she uttered to me upon receipt of the stack of paper.

"That's fine, whatever."

It was my finest hour. With script in hand, we jubilantly marched off towards the film pitches, prepared to tackle whatever obstacles would come our way. Little did we know that the obstacles we encountered made the obstacles surrounding world piece look like a 4th grade obstacle course (you know, with the tires, stolen street cones, hopscotch chalk, etc).

Next: The Crew!

A Very Special IV Halloween

2006-10-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Here at the University of California, Santa Barbara, once a year there comes along a special event that takes the world by storm. It's an event that everyone plans for at LEAST a month in advance. Chances are that if you live in this blissful community of Isla Vista, you have had at least three friends from out of town ask if they could stay with you over this gallant weekend of tomfoolery. Yes, dear people, I'm referring...to HALLOWEEN.

Halloween is a time of year for everyone to escape the horrors that are the first four weeks of college. After all, who can bear going to 2 classes a day, 4 days a week, and only staying awake in half of them? I sure as hell can't. And what's up with scheduling all these midterms around the weekend? How dare they put ANYTHING on week 5 of a 10 week quarter! It's like I'm in...college or something. Moreover, Halloween is an excuse to walk around outside in nothing but a large t-shirt, call it a costume, and only be mildly assaulted for it. I admit that 1 out of the 3 ideas I had for Halloween costumes was to go out with a hairdryer and call myself "Hairdryer Man", but at least that's got some ingenuity and class. And I immediately respect anyone that goes out as an eskimo (and by that I don't mean a slutty eskimo, or a slutkimo, as I like to call it), because let's face it, you'll be a lot better off than someone who's a half-naked pirate.

While we're on the topic of slutty costumes...what's the deal with slutty costumes? I mean, aside from the obvious "look at me, I do lots of coke and weigh 80 lbs and have a hot body" aspect of it, has anyone thought about the historical liberties that "slutty" costumes take? Let's not forget that what we Gen Y-ers think of as promiscuous has only been the case for about 40 or so years. I'm pretty sure that in the arrr-ful pirate eras of the 1700s, a woman who was on a pirate ship was most definitely NOT a pirate, but more of a sex-slave to the large, ale-swigging captain of the ship, which is definitely NOT what the women of today are going for. The same goes for other historically inaccurate costumes, such as slutty nuns, slutty nurses, slutty astronauts, slutty prostitutes, and slutty ninjas. If you do, however, decide to dress up as a slutty Ann Coulter...well, I have no complaints about that.

My favorite part about Halloween is how many diverse people I meet while wandering the streets. There is nothing more enjoyable than to see someone peeing on a parked car, walking up to him, and then finding out that he's from UCSD. I think it's great that San Diegans come up here to pee on our cars, really. Upon further interviewing, you can discover all sorts of information from our out-of-town friends. People come to IV for various reasons, including "banging hot UCSB chicks," "getting piss ass drunk," "assaulting the police horses," and "banging hot UCSB chicks." I think it's great that IV attracts such a diverse crowd, and I for one always get a bit of a rush when I see Embarcadero del Sur clogged with cars trying to naively drive down to "The DP," and it really impresses me that so many people would drive for hours just to get "hella drunk" and possibly have drunken intercourse with someone who's probably not even from Santa Barbara. Anything that can make our population rival that of a World Series game for a 6 day period is A-ok with me. Congrats to the Cards, by the way.

In summary, I don't think the county does a good enough job of promoting Halloween in Isla Vista. Just think of the revenue they can get by putting up a toll booth on Storke and El Colegio and charging people $1 to go through. Forget Measure D. I think Arnold should make IV tolls a top priority for his campaign...I know he'd get my vote. Also, the county could set up a booth and have a "Sluttiest slut" costume contest. It could be a family event. Hell, it IS Halloween, promote child trick-or-treating! Afterwards, the kids could ride police horses down the street and take pictures of the lines of arrested people (including Dad, who swore she was 18). Fun for the whole family!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare my "slutty Thomas Jefferson" costume.

A BUHH?

2006-09-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, dear readers, the lack of entries over the last month is due to the phenomenon commonly known as "writer's block". You see, this occurs when the brain decides that you've been too creative for your own good, and thus cannot risk overloading your mind-circuits with excess creativity, thus the creative sectors of your brain shut down. Nevertheless, I haven't done anything creative in a few weeks, so I'm guessing it's just taking my brain a little bit of overtime to return to normal. Trust me, I have this really great piece on George Washington vs. Cornwallis that I want to do. No really. It'll be fun.

I'm working on updating my website, as the front page has been a Vincent Lin Must Die! promo for quite some time, and the movie's already premiered. I'm finishing up the DVD version, all I need is to get the Glassman's in studio for some commentary, and I'll be set. Other than that, the new version of the website will let those interested know about what my next projects are.

I'll be back in Santa Barbara on Sunday, so my "OC" time is limited. That's right, SB, I'm coming back, baby.

A Great Opportunity!

2006-09-01T01:03:00.000-07:00

I'm offerring this challenge on my MySpace, so I thought, "hey, I haven't done a blog entry in awhile, what a great opportunity!"

Guess all 21 of my favorite movies in the image below and win a prize.

...If you're viewing this through Facebook, be warned that I don't have them all listed on my favorites up there. I know I should. But I don't. Anyway, You have to match the picture to the movie as well, not just name all the movies. C'mon!

Tales from History, Chapter 1: The Cuban Missile Crisis

2006-07-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Lyndon Johnson burst into the president's bedroom.

"Now see here, Johnson," exclaimed John F. Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States, "it's 10 in the morning on a Sunday, what's the big idea barging in here like this?"

Marilyn Monroe rolled over on her side, resting her arms on Kennedy's lap. "Who is it, Jack?" she drolled.

"Well it's just Lyndie, Marilyn. You'd better get yourself cleaned up, Jacqueline might come back from Church any moment now."

"Oh, alright, darling," said Marilyn, as she kissed the Presidents ear.

"Now, ah, what was so important that you had to come barging in here, Johnson? You know this is Marilyn Hour."

"Sir, it's the Cubans. They have missiles. Lots of them. And they're pointed right at us," replied the Vice President.

"What? The Cubans? Missiles? Well, ah, Johnson, that sounds like we have a darn crisis on our hands. Better get me a hot cup o' Joe, and bring in Lincoln's portrait, will ya?"

"Yes sir," replied Johnson. Kennedy turned all business following this encounter, and quickly shooed out Marilyn Monroe. The President rushed out of his bedroom in such a hurry that he forgot to put on his pants, however seeing the President pantsless in the early hours of a Sunday morning was not unheard of. On his way to the oval office, Kennedy was greeted by his Secretary of Defense, Robert S. McNamara.

"Howdy there, Rob, you heard about this, ah, Cuban Missile Crisis thing?"

Robert S. McNamara huffed. "Yeah, those damn commies are trying to wipe us clean off the map."

"I know what you mean, Rob. It's a damn shame. They've got a better space program, more missles, and finer women. I tell ya, if I ever get tired of this job as, ah, president, I'm gonna fake my own assassination like Lincoln did and move to the Soviet Union, get me a servant-hooker-girl, and, ah, you know, participate in the glorious wonder that is organized Marxist Socialism."

Suddenly, John Kennedy's brother, Robert Kennedy, came lurking out of the shadows, carrying a handle of Russian vodka. "Jack," he stammered.

"Well, ah, if it isn't my little brother Bobby. Isn't a little too early in the morning to be, ah, drinking?" exclaimed the President.

"I got it from Teddy," said Robert Kennedy, "he told me I would need this if I was to end up fightin' ya."

"Oh, so it's come to this again, has it? A little of the ol' sibling rivalry, eh?" Just then, Lyndon Johnson returned with the President's coffee in one hand and a portrait of Abraham Lincoln on the other. "Ah, good, thanks Lyndie." John Kennedy grabbed the portrait and held it out in front of him. "You did great wonders for the American people, Abraham, and you're the only good Republican I know. On my dead baby Patrick's eternal spirit, I pray to you to give me the power to, ah, vanquish the Cubans and my little brother."

The Lincoln portrait immediately began glowing, and it emitted a beam of light that covered the President from head to toe. He stood there taking it all in, laughing in his glory.

"Well this is fucking amazing, Johnson!" he exclaimed. With that, the President tossed aside the portrait, charged at his brother, and slammed his iron fist into Robert Kennedy's jaw, sending him flying into the Red Room. Kennedy turned to his Vice President. "Lyndie, get me Khrushchev on the phone, and tell him he that if he disarms the missiles, I'll make sure that this Cold War lasts until 1991, and I'll come over there to, you know, help him running the country in a few years. Heck, I'll even through in Marilyn and my brother Bobby."

"Of course, sir!" emphatically excliamed Johnson, and he skipped merrily into the War Room.

Robert S. McNamara stood in awe of John Kennedy. "You sir, are the greatest negotiator in the history of the world."

And with that, John F. Kennedy ended the Cuban Missle Crisis.

Nick's Adventures to the Liberal North

2006-07-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

[EDIT] I know this looks funny on Firefox at the moment. I'm seeing what I can do to fix it.

You might say I left my heart in San Francisco.

After months of uncertainty, Jon and I finally managed to make it up to the Bay Area this past weekend, albeit not on a road trip, but in an airplane. This unfortunate situation led me to declare the road trip as officially starting when Andrew picked us up in San Jose, and lasted for about 30 minutes as he drove us to his Stanford residence in Palo Alto. It then picked up again by means of trains and buses the following day, and culminated in the drive from Millbrae to Palo Alto the day after that. Nevertheless, it was still a fun experience overall. What follows is a typical description of my adventures in classic Trip Report format.

Upon our arrival in Palo Alto, it became apparent that our sleeping space over two of the following three nights would be relative small and crowded. Andrew, of course, remained in his own bed, while Jon and I wriggled uncomfortably together on the ground in a totally non-gay manner, with about three inches separating us from a Brokeback-esque emasculation scene. Obviously with my known sleeping issues, I failed to achieve sleep and eventually moved out into the common room and crashed on the couch, unseating its occupant and effectively blocking off the path for those who had to wake up early.

The next morning I was stept on by Andrew on his way out for work, and thusly amused myself with a bowl of oatmeal while Jon sleepily arose from his restful slumber. Following our individual grooming we subsequently headed out towards the sparkling gem of a city that is San Francisco, utilizing a shuttle, commuter train, light rail, a streetcar, feet, and a bus before reaching our destination at the north end of the city. If you're interested, we took the shuttle bus from Stanford to the Palo Alto Caltrain station, from which we took the train to its terminus on the south end of the city. Following a brief stop at Quiznos, we boarded the MUNI N line around the ports to Market Street, at which point we took the tourist-laden streetcar F line down Embarcadero to Fisherman's Wharf. We then walked across Fort Mason and boarded bus 28 to the Golden Gate Bridge. If you're not interested, just forget everything you just read. At the bridge, I let Jon talk me into walking its entire length, which was interesting and fun except for the part where we had to make the return trip. By the time we returned, my feet hurt and I was hungry, however Andrew was finished with work and met up with us at chocolate haven Ghiradelli Square. Following a red meat-laden meal, we walked to North Beach, the Italian part of the city, checked out the hipster City Lights bookstore, and then continued on into the Financial District where I ostensibly attempted to locate a restroom for the public amongst the lofty skyscrapers. If you're interested, there's one on the 3rd floor of an Asian bank building across the street from the Transamerica Tower. There's also one in the nearby Starbucks, but the guy I was waiting for to leave the restroom is probably still in there.

Our endeavour ended at our hotel of choice (Ramada) in SOMA, which was split into two buildings across from each other with a sketchy street between them. Of course we were put into the secondary building. Following check-in, my dear friend Julia arrived in suburbanite minivan (driven by her friend Mira) and took us to the modernized Brea Mall of San Francisco, where we ate at a food court. After much pronging and speculation, she then took us to the best place she could think of for entertaining Orange County-based tourists: The Castro District. For those unfamiliar with San Francisco, Castro is the GAY district. My lofty Republican reader-base just left my blog. In Castro I experienced a new sort of shop, namely, the male sex shop. It was a life-changing experience to be sure. Following these mis-adventures we decided to leave for places north, and at the insistance of Mira, ended up with cereal and milk at Julia's midscale house. This lasted a short while, however with our hotel being effectively across the city, we were forced to leave relatively early and retire for the night.

In the morning I left Jon and Andrew at the Ramada and successfully tackled the MUNI system in an attempt to reach the Filmore District, which I hoped would be better than the president it was named after. Luckily it turned out to be so, and I met Julia at a non-chain coffee shop (read: NOT Starbucks) for an enlightening conversation on yuppies, city life, and male sex shops. I said goodbye to her for at least a month and a half and made my way back to Ramada, where I learned that Jon and Andrew had gone to said coffee chain themselves a little while earlier. As we left the city, I left behind fond memories and gained a somewhat confusing feeling over personal matters, which obviously won't be explained in a public blog. This isn't Xanga.

I can safely NOT recommend You, Me, and Dupree. I make mistakes, I know, and we should've seen The Devil Wears Prada. But I was in the mood for something light. The movie doesn't know what genre it's going for and as such fails to successfully court the Owen Wilson slapstick genre and the Kate Hudson romantic genre. Why Matt Dillon, after starring in the mildly good Crash, chose to go with this movie is somewhat bewildering, but all three actors did well. A really old looking Michael Douglas is in it too, but don't expect an American President. He's pretty much just an old douchebag. The movie gets a 5/10 from me. It's sometimes funny, and sometimes romantic, but not enough to really succeed in either genre.

As for the rest of the trip, it was fairly uneventful, with the highlight being a semi under the influence romp around Stanford at midnight, much to the chagrin of people attempting to study (on a Saturday, for that matter) in the library. Upon our return to the room, noisy party aftermath accompanied my desire to sleep, which had to fulfilled for our early flight the next day. On the way out, I declared the road trip over, and bid farewell to my Stanfordian friend for a few weeks, boarded the plane with Jon, and flew back to the shelters of Orange County.

But as I said, I left my heart in San Francisco.

Vincent Lin Must Die

2006-07-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you guys know that my website has undergone a temporary face lift. That's all.

Odds and Edds, 7/9

2006-07-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

The image has nothing to do with the post, I just thought I'd make some reference to Italy's win in the World Cup.

I've seen three relatively new-ish movies recently, but I don't want to bog this thing down with movie reviews, so I'll just summarize.

Syriana: 7/10 (good story, interesting characters, but the viewer has to be fairly knowledgeable of the subject manner.)
Match Point: 8/10 (one of the most blatant genre shifts I've ever seen occurs 2/3 of the way through the movie, making this an interesting watch.)
Munich: 9/10 (I actually thought this was about the kidnappings, not the retaliation. Still, good plot and raises interesting questions about identity/morals.)

With that out of the way, we can get down to business. Alice is back, and I'm typing on her now. I'm happy I didn't have to salvage her for scrap and RAM. Unfortunately, I've lost everything from the past year or so, which was the last time I backed up anything onto NeoLab. So now I'm going through the painstaking process of rebuilding my music library from the past year on a fairly slow DSL line. Don't get me wrong, DSL is nice, but when you grow used to the T1 connection that's fed into the dorms, taking 30 minutes to download an album is malarkey. I could go to Best Buy and BUY the damn thing in that amount of time.

Here's some bands I think you should check out if you're into rock type stuff...

The 88 (Over and Over) --> probably best known for their single on their OC off of their older album, The 88 are a local band that really kick serious mainstream ass.
Air (Talkie Walkie) --> ambient, chill-out stuff. Plus they're French.
Ambulance LTD (LP, New English EP) --> talk about little known brilliance. These guys mix genres better than Roman Polanski. They got a new LP coming out soon I think.
The Arcade Fire (Funeral) --> badass Canadians who are gonna revolutionize rock.
Do Make Say Think (Goodbye Enemy Airship the Landlord is Dead) --> listen to this if you're into post-rock.
Joy Zipper (American Whip, Heartlight Set) --> what a find! Boy can these guys harmonize. They're from the UK and Heartlight Set really needs to be released in the States.
The Killers (Hot Fuss) --> these guys are played a lot but I really think they deserve more credit than they get. But not by MTV.
Mogwai (Mr. Beast) --> these guys blow my mind.
Muse (Black Holes and Revelations) --> this album comes out in two days. It's bloody amazing.
Of Montreal (Satanic Panic in the Attic) --> I don't think they're actually from Montreal, but they have a very vibrant and unique sound with totally BOSS lyrics.
Spoon (Girls Can Tell) --> a very raw sound combined with catchy melodies and lyrics make Spoon awesome.

Superman Returns

2006-06-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

Being genuinely wary of superhero movies, the recent take on Batman in Batman Begins has given me new hope concerning the direction of the genre. While to me Batman is much cooler and more believable than Superman, he still fits into the classic role of a DC superhero that really can't be topped by any other superhero icon. With that said, it's no surprise, then, that I went into the new Superman Returns with not only high expectations but also a genuine interest in the movie. Also, being directed by Brian Singer of The Usual Suspects fame (and X-Men) doesn't hurt.

In this fifth installment of Superman's adventures on film, our hero (Brandon Routh) has gone off to search for his home planet, which astronomers thought was still around. Having found nothing, Superman returns to Earth after being away for 5 years, only to discover that the world has moved on without him. Taking his job back at The Daily Planet, Superman slips back into his role as "mild-mannered reporter" Clark Kent, and discovers much to his dismay that love-interest Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) has moved on as well, living with her boyfriend and having what appears to be his child, who is about 5 years old. Elsewhere, Superman's nemesis Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) has escaped prison and travels to Superman's Fortress of Solitude, steals a set of alien crystals and prepares to use them to create a living land mass off the coast of the United States, which will eventually destroy the country as it grows.

The film is not as campy as I make it sound - in fact it's not campy at all. Routh's performance as the new Man of Steel, supplanting the late Christopher Reeves, is genuinely heartfelt, and he fits the role well. Spacey should also be noted for his serious yet maniacal portrayal of Luthor. Like Batman Begins, the storyline and characters are presented very realistically, and it seems as if the filmmakers take great care in portraying Superman as more than a flat good-doer, giving him emotions and feelings.

One should go into the movie with some knowledge of the Superman mythos, as the movie does little to explain backstory and character relatioships, instead relying on its predecessors Superman and Superman II to fill viewers in. Indeed, the callbacks to the original 1978 film are evident in the easily-recognizable John Williams theme, the zooming title text, and numerous lines and other references. Again, like Batman, having not seen the other movies of the series I feel that I cannot fully appreciate these callbacks, however I'm sure someone more familiar with the franchise will.

There is little on the negative side in relation to this movie, however something that bothered me the most was the relationship between Superman and Lois Lane. Because Lois Lane has moved on, there now exists a weird sort of love-triangle between Lane, Superman, and her boyfriend that seems rather inhibiting. Also the kid annoys me for more reasons then he should. Lastly, something about the ending and the length of the movie had it going for Lord of the Rings status. I suppose I really shouldn't complain, though, because I'm sure this movie could have just as easily been another Hulk or Fantastic 4. It appears as though the 15 year wait for this movie, however, has helped the franchise, and with Spiderman returning next year and Batman the year after that, it seems like there's going to be a consistent 3-year cycle of good, faithful superhero movies.

Superman Returns: 7/10
(wonderful special effects and great entertainment, but still not really my genre)

Not Helping Asian Stereotypes

2006-06-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Japan teen torches house, killing 3, over grades

"It's the SOUND that makes me punch INFANTS!"

Journey to the Midwest

2006-06-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

So, I was going to update this blog daily with details of my travels around the glorious midwest, however my laptop went out of commission while on the plane. Needless to say, I am heartbroken and downtrodden. I only hope Alice can be fixed soon, because NEOLab (the old desktop) is a big old clunker. With that said, it looks like I'll be doing my trip report in flashback mode.

The aforementioned failure of Alice on the plane marked the beginning of the excitement that could only occur on a trip to our nation's armpit (in case you were wondering, Texas is the nation's groin). You see, I had not yet completed my last paper that was due last Friday by the time my trip got underway, so I planned to finish it on the plane and e-mail it out to my professor. With a dead laptop and no means of finishing (or retrieving) the paper from Alice's hard drive, I went into a panic. Fortunately, the Chicago Marriott I was staying at had a "business center" with Microsoft Word and internet access, so I spent the latter half of Thursday and early morning Friday re-writing and turning in my paper. This was further complicated by the fact that, for the first time in years, I received the blessing of airsickness. The fun of the airsickness carried over into the rental car, and whilst sitting in beautiful Chicagoan traffic (you think LA is bad? go to Chicago) I had to qwell my desire to hurl.

For whatever reason, the massive "luxury" Chrsyler that had been rented for the trip made me consistently nauseous when riding passenger. This reached its pinnacle about halfway between Chicago and Normal, IL (yeah, the town is called Normal), when my mother was forced to pull over and let my stomach have its way with me and the side of the highway. Anyway, I drove for the remainder of the trip and was just fine.

You may be asking what the hell I was doing in the Midwest. Well, I was visiting baseball stadiums. Starting in Chicago, then moving south to St. Louis, heading back north to Milwaukee, and finishing off again in Chicago. You may think this is crazy. Well it is. I don't advise anyone to ever travel to the Midwest (ok, maybe Chicago) ever, especially if you're and OC type person. The air is hot and humid, and rain falls in sheets. On my way north from St. Louis, I was driving along when all of a sudden rain came down in buckets. I mean BUCKETS. For a time I was literally unable to drive and had to pull over due to the density of the rain. Then, quick as it started, the downpour ceased. It's like God decided to fuck with the minds of all of the hapless people who made the mistake of being born in hickville. I'm sorry, but I'm a California person, and seeing weather like that makes me appreciate my earthquakes. Like hell if I'm going to be on "Tornado Watch." Speaking of earthquakes, whoever the hell designed to highways and roads in Illinois needs to be shot. There's so much gridlock over there that it makes a commute up the 5 at 6 o' clock look like a Sunday drive. It's not like you don't have space to widen shit out there, you're in the freaking plains.

Despite what my complaining may seem like, I did enjoy the trip. Milwaukee was an interesting town with absolutely GORGEOUS chesse. Cheese alone isn't enough for Wisconsin to upset Camarillo as my new favorite place, but I suppose it helps. I'm a sucker for cheese. Also, if you haven't been to the Arch in St. Louis, I highly recommend it. Although the attraction is a tourist trap, which I usually hate, anyone who has the balls to ride in a Mercury-sized capsule for 5 minutes (it took less time to go up the elevator in the much-higher Sears Tower) only to be trapped in a small walkway with a few tiny windows to look out of and not go completely insane is a hero in my book. Speaking of the Sears Tower, that's kinda cool too, but the Malaysians beat it in height by a few feet several years ago so it's not the tallest structure anymore. And I suppose the baseball stadiums were nice too.

Seacrest out.

Reconsider This Decision for the Good of Us All

2006-06-02T01:01:00.000-07:00

I was digging around on my computer today and discovered a treasure trove of old documents from my Junior High and High School days. Anyway, in ninth grade I had to take Health class, and as part of the class everyone had to take care of a "baby" (a bag of rice) for a few weeks and do all sorts of stuff along with it. Amongst the files for the baby project I found the following gem that was an apparent writing assignment. It is written verbatim as it was originally.

"Dear friend:

Are you really planning to get married? You are only 15 years old! Don't you think that you are a little YOUNG for that? Getting married and having children is a big responsibility for anyone. I do not think that you are ready for the burden of caring for a child. Wait until you are at least 20 years old or until you complete college. Now is the wrong time. I wish you would reconsider this decision for the good of us all.

Sincerely,
NICK OCHOA"

I urge anyone who is considering marriage to read this plea from 15 year old me and say no to matrimony. Please, it's for the good of us all.

Anti-abortionists Prevented My Column from Being Published

2006-05-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

Because of all the anti-abortionist people protesting with their giant signs displaying the images of unborn, aborted fetuses on campus, this gem of a column I wrote for UCSB's paper, The Daily Nexus, went unpublished. Why? Well, if you're the Opinion Editor, what would you rather print, a column that dicusses the impact of the protestors or a column on how crappy local TV is? Nevertheless, I can still post my column here.

--
"As a loyal resident of Santa Barbara County for the past two years, I have learned to put up with a wide array of unique situations and occurrences. For instance, there will always be a steady stream of noise coming from Isla Vista on weekends. There are always going to be annoying tourists parading down State Street, with their bags of souvenirs and over-priced clothing, taking up valuable sidewalk space. The weather will always be about ten degrees cooler than in nearby sunny Los Angeles. The lagoon is always going to smell like a dinosaur shit and died in it. And you know what? That’s all fine and dandy. I can put up with such trite problems. There is, however, one thing that I cannot even begin to pretend to comprehend: the utterly horrible local television commercials.

"Unless you live under a rock or consider yourself too 'indie' to watch television, there’s no doubt that you’ve seen the utter crap that passes for commercials here in partly cloudy Santa Barbara. Let’s say you’re sitting down with your popcorn and beer getting ready to watch your favorite characters from The OC bitch about how shitty their rich, high school lives are, when suddenly, the local commercial block comes on. First there’s the dentist who, despite talking in a monotonous, serial-killer-esque voice, wants you to come into his office so he can look at your precious, valuable teeth. Next comes an ad for the Chicken Ranch, built on the one-joke premise of actors being dubbed over by ridiculous sounding voices telling the interviewer that they all love the Chicken Ranch. Let’s get one thing straight, Chicken Ranch; if you want me to come to your poultry parlor, you’ve got to dupe me better than that. Just when you think that commercials are over, up pops an ad for our esteemed newspaper, The Santa Barbara News-Press. I’m sorry, but do you think watching a guy make an ass out of himself by falling off a bike in front of his stereotypically suave boss is going to make me want to read your paper? And don’t even get me started on that damn metal detector.

"I’m all for advertising, that’s not my problem. My problem is that if I’m going to take a break from watching Kate and Jack deal with sexual tension in The Hatch (that’s a LOST reference for all of you non-followers out there), I’m going to want to be entertained. After the commercial, I want to be able to want to buy the product, vote for the candidate, or obtain goods and services at the location that I just wasted thirty seconds of my life watching an ad for. I don’t want to think about punching the 14 year-old kid who received a $5 gift certificate to McDonald’s and a case of Ritalin in exchange for being behind the camera for his or her father’s used car lot advertisement.

"It can’t be that hard to come over to UCSB or SBCC and find someone who’ll make a good commercial that doesn’t look like it was made by someone who 'filmed a matrimony one time in the 70s.' And while you’re at it, drop by our Dramatic Arts Department and pick up some actors. The people who 'act' in those commercials really need to stick to their day jobs. If acting is their day job, then they need to stop acting and start flipping patties at In N’ Out. Basically what I’m trying to say is that you need to get on the ball, businesses of Santa Barbara, because if you want me to buy your stuff, then gosh damn it, I want to feel like I just sat through The Godfather, not your six-year old’s first fencing match."

Camarillo and the Quest for Taco Bell

2006-05-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

As some of you who know me know, I have many adventures when I travel between point A and point B. A great many of those adventures deal with my frequent excursions between Santa Barbara and Orange County, my old stomping grounds. Let's just say that today, I had the adventure to end all adventures. Except maybe that time where my train was delayed for 2 hours because of a bomb threat. And the time it took my 5 and half hours to get home on a Wednesday. But...it still ranks pretty hight up there.

So this adventure started as any other Sunday commute back to Santa Barbara. After spending the day with my good friend Julia, I embarked on a series of freeways to eventually lead my back to the inevitable 101. It was on the 101 just out of LA, however, when I realized that...something was different. Something was...amiss, if you will. Indeed, as I entered Calabasas, I developed a hunger for something that I do not normally hunger for. I developed the hunger for TACO BELL.

If you've never had a beef and potato burrito from Taco Bell, you don't know what you're missing. Having one of those burritos, with their majestic blend of spices and processed meat and vegetable products, is like spending 5 minutes in clogged artery heaven. It was this burrito that I suddenly had a craving for. I resolved to stop at the first Taco Bell that I came across and order a pair of the delictable concoctions. Unfortunately for me, finding a Taco Bell off the 101 past Los Angeles is like finding a gay black Republican in Massachusetts. As I drove into Ventura county, I knew my chances were becoming slim. Would I really have to wait until I got to Santa Barbara, where there are an abundance of Taco Bells, in order to have my fill? Why were there so many McDonald's and Jack-in-the-Boxes? I decided to try my luck at a random exit. Gas, food, lodging. Surely there would have to be a Taco Bell at one exit.

My first attempt was rendered useless. I found, indeed, a Del Taco, but it was not Dan the Del Taco man that I yearned for on this cloudy evening. As I wandered through Thousand Oaks, my mind began to wander. What if there was no Taco Bell to be found? What if I had to settle for a Jumbo Jack or a...dare I think of it...Big Mac? No. I would not let that happen. And yet, as I got deeper and deeper into Ventura County, there was one thing that I knew for sure. Time was running out. I got off for the third time in a city I had heard little about: Camarillo. Being from the city, I had already formed impressions of the rural villages that lay on the outskirts of Los Angeles. Little did I know that this fine hamlet had in store for me. As I exited the freeway at Lewis Road, I discovered a quaint road that ran parallel to the highway. "What luck!" I thought to myself. Surely I would be able to find a Taco Bell along this corridor of businesses. As I turned the corner, I discovered a Jack-in-the-Box and a Wendy's. Undanunted, I continued along. Unfortunately, the word got narrower and less business-like. Shear horror came over me, the kind of horror that could only be felt by a prostitute in church. Panicking, I knew that the next corner I turned might be my last before I was forced to get back on the 101. The DAMNED 101, with it's lack of food chains visible from its lanes. Turning the last corner, however, I discovered the holy grail of my quest: The finest Taco Bell ever to grace my eyes.

And just then, it started to rain. And I started to cry. And that is why this quaint village of Camarillo is my new favorite place. Ever. Thank you, wise city planners and Camarilloans, for building a Taco Bell at such an opportune location.

The Ugg Game

2006-05-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

The following appeared on my Xanga blog on January 26, 2005. I promise I'll post something current in a day or so, I've been bogged down with midterms. Until then, enjoy this classic.

These are Uggs. It is the latest fashion craze and can be seen everywhere in any type of weather. The most popular article of clothing that these boots are worn worth is, incidentally, a mini skirt, which of course makes perfect sense to be worn with boots. The result has created a rapid demand for this high priced commodity and has sparked many debates on the logic and sexiness (or lack thereof) of said boot/skirt combination. For those of us who simply can't see the logic and/or sexiness in the short-lived phenomenon, I have decided to create a little game to occupy your time. I call it... THE UGG GAME.

Here's how it works. First, you have to play with a friend. It helps to have a piece of paper and a pen. Next, walk around in a heavily populated area. For those of you at college, this will be easy, as there are plenty of people around. For every pair of Uggs you see, shout out "UGGS!" Whoever shouts first gets the points. Point breakdowns are described below. Simply whispering the word doesn't count, it must be audible. Play for as long or as short as you want, the person with the most points at the end of the playing period wins.

POINT BREAKDOWN:
Hidden Uggs (Uggs under pants): 1 point
Normal Uggs: 2 points
Fancy Uggs (you know, with the frills and dangely stuff): 3 points
Mobile Uggs (Uggs that are on a bike or skateboard or something): 4 points
MAN Uggs (Muggs): 10 points
Baby Uggs (Uggs on a baby): 10 points

COMBOS (Normal Uggs only):
Uggs and miniskirt: 3 points
Uggs and miniskirt on a REALLY cold day: 5 points
Uggs, miniskirt, tight sweater, blonde hair, and those huge sunglasses (must have ALL): 10 points
TWO of the previous combo walking together: 15 points
Yahtzee: 50 points

That's it, happy hunting!

Thank You for Smoking

2006-04-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, (alright, yesterday) I finally managed to see the movie Thank You for Smoking, which you probably know has been on my radar ever since it screened at the Santa Barbara Film Festival in February. The film stars a good cast and details the life of Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart), an executive and spokesman for the Academy of Tobacco Studies, which is nothing more than a cigarette company think-tank. Naylor naturally comes under fire for his profession of choice (which serves basically to be a media outlet for the tobacco companies), and particularly becomes the target of anti-smoking Senator Finistirre (William H. Macy) from Vermont, who is campaigning to stick giant "poison" labels on the side of cigarette boxes. Adding to the complexities are Naylor's son Joey (Cameron Bright), whom Nick must act as a father figure for, and a career-oriented newspaper reporter (Katie Holmes) who will do anything to bring the lobbyist down.

The film is entirely satirical and irreverent. Never once, despite all the evil that Nick Naylor stands for, could I bring myself to dislike his character. The Naylor character works on multiple levels: first, he must convince whoever his audience is (people on a talk show, Dennis Miller, the Senate) that he is not the bad guy of the situation, that he actually cares about all of the people his industry has killed. Second, he has to convince us that he means what he's saying in the movie. Eckhart successfully manages to tie together both of those levels with a heavy but affective dose of Fox News-ish spin. When Naylor berates Senator Finistirre's top aid on national television, I, along with the audience of the talk show, agreed with what Naylor was saying, despite the fact that if one thinks about it for little more than a second, the argument is full of holes. The satire succeeds here because it makes the audience (and myself) sympathize with a character who no one should be sympathizing with.

Naylor is not alone in his accomplishments; throughout the film he is shown meeting with the self-proclaimed "MOD squad," an acronym for "Merchants Of Death." The other two members of the squad are comprised of lobbyists for the alcohol and firearms companies (Maria Bello and David Koechner, respectively), and the trio often debate about whose industry is killing more people, with Naylor usually coming out on top. The thing that makes these scenes work is the fact that each character is given a certain degree of not only likability but believability, such that the conversations between these characters, however outlandish and wrong they may be, are entirely believable and authentic. These could be any three people meeting after work, discussing the finer points of their days over a drink, and in fact, that's what they are (nevermind that their conversation frequently dabbles in such topics as who's more deserving to be kidnapped by terrorists).

While the nature and ethics of the tobacco industry is the main focus of the satire in the film, there is also a brief but unforgettable jab at Hollywood and the immense amount of absurdity that plagues the system. At one point Naylor travels to the star-studded city to attempt to convince super agent Jeff Megall (Rob Lowe) to put cigarettes back into films. The scene features such details as the "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" lobby video of a killer whale feasting on a seal, a series of superficial one-liners delivered by Megall's assistant (Adam Brody), and a vivid explanation of a Pitt/Zeta-Jones space sex scene, which, coupled with the eccentric (yet brief) performance by Lowe, easily serve as farcical commentary on the state of The Industry today.

Thank You For Smoking is a delightful break from other, less funny attempts at satire and parody that are currently out in theaters, and of course is also performing marginally at the box office, which is natural for the current state of cinema being as it is. Sure, you can laugh at cheap gags and lame, Mad-TV-esque jokes (I'm looking at Scary Movie 4), but wouldn't you feel just a little bit smarter if you laughed at something a little more wholesome? After all, not every movie can make references to seal-clubbing and sweatshop labor and manage to extort more than a muffled giggle from me.

Thank You For Smoking: 9/10
(loses a point for the unnecessary extra press coverage garnered by Katie Holmes being in the movie, and for the somewhat tacky "twist" ending that allows for that viewer to have that Hollywood "feel good" effect)

From Tom Cruise's Blog

2006-04-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

The following is from Tom Cruise's blog:

Hello out there to all of my friends both within and outside of the Church of Scientology!

Well, it's been a hectic few days since Kate came back from the hospital with Suri. Suri sure is a happy, bouncing baby girl! It'll be great when we take her to have her Thetan level measured once she's old enough to comprehend that she has an alien soul inside of her. Ha ha, I bet she's at least a level three! In any case, her and Kate are doing great. Kate makes me so proud...she didn't make a peep during the entire birth process. I was right there next to her, chanting into her ear, "You can do it! You can have this baby," and she just smiled at me. I am so in love with that woman! I swear I feel like a kid every time I'm around her. Well, except when we make love...then I feel like how Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty must feel like whenever he makes love. Oh Hubbard, would I love to truly experience that. But seriously, Nicole's got nothing on Kate. Expect maybe her nose.

My new movie is coming out soon, and I'm really excited! I must say it is an honor to be working with Philip Seymour Hoffman. His performance in Capote really blew me away. I have so much respect for gay authors, I really believe that they can do great things! If you haven't read In Cold Blood, I strongly encourage everyone out there who wants to be cool to go and read it right away! I'm going to start reading it to Suri every night. Anyway, I've been getting a lot of press for Mission Impossible 3 and I must say, all the hype you might be hearing is dead on. This movie is definitely the best movie coming out since War of the Worlds. I know I said Capote was good, but, let's face it people, it didn't touch War of the Worlds at the box office. So with that said, I just can't wait for this movie to come out. It's going to be that awesome!

Well, those idiots over at South Park did it again. I just can't understand why they have to continuously degrade me and my friends. If you don't know what I'm talking about, recently made fun of my good friend Oprah. Now I just want to say right here and right now that I know for a fact that Oprah's vagina and and asshole cannot talk! I am sick and tired of Mr. Parker and Mr. Stone portraying such blatant lies as fact! They continue to misrepresent people and truth, and during a time of war such actions should not be tolerated! I'm sure you will all be happy to know that tomorrow I'm going to call Comedy Central and have that episode never shown again. Hubbard help them if that episode ever broadcasts while Suri is watching! That's my little girl. So listen, Comedy Central. Help me, help you. Pull the episode before I have to make things freaking ugly for you.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll write again later. To all my loyal followers, goodnight, and good luck! I'm not exactly sure who said that, but I've been hearing it being said a lot recently, and so I want to be cool too!

~Tom

(yeah so this isn't really froom Tom Cruise's blog, if you didn't figure it out. -Nick)

Moved to Blogger

2006-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I've switched from Xanga to Blogger. It's a bit cooler in my opinion. So...the few of you who still read my old blog...this is my new blog. Yay.

The Continuing Space Adventures of Jack Bedfordshire, Part 1 (Archive)

2006-04-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Trapped. The corridor I had come down had no way out. It was only a matter of time before the cyber soldiers got me now. Not that it really mattered; I had nothing left to live for. That dame sure did a number on me, didn’t she? Picked me up and threw me out like a used tissue. I sure as hell felt like I was covered in space snot, which, of course, is weightless. So what do I do now? This was worse than the time that Alpha V was attacked by space lobbyists. Those lobbyists had an arsenal heavier than a snogwak, and believe you me, snogwaks have some heavy arsenals. But now, in this corner, there was little I could do. I fumbled around in one of the twenty-five pockets of my space pants, desperately looking for that one item that could save me from the certain doom I would most definitely face when the cyber soldiers discovered me. I stopped, as my right hand rested upon a silver chain. A tear came to my face, or it would have, had my tear ducts not been surgically removed when I was a baby as part of the fifteenth version of the Homeland Security bill. The memories came flooding back to me. All of this…it was all her fault.

Septembruary, 2147. Being in my nineteenth year I had just entered the space academy in New New Mexico (Old New Mexico had been destroyed in the Great Clone War, where thousands of cloned offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes clashed over the great expanses of the United States), along with my friends Deak Montoya and Charles Hindenburg. Charles was British. My name was, and still is, Hubert Bedforshire, but my friends called me Jack. Charles, being British, called me Gov. The three of us had grown up in the relative idyllic rural town of Banton, New Hampshire, a suburb of the metropolis of Exeter. New Hampshire, having not been destroyed in the Great Clone War, retained its original “new” status, although there was considerable debate in the senate over whether or not the state should be renamed simply “Hampshire,” as the original Hampshire had, in fact, never existed; John Mason apparently had named the colony such after he had lost a bet with his first mate during the voyage. The first mate assured Mason that there was a Hampshire in England, and that, if it didn’t exist, it “must assuredly exist somewhere within the great expanse that is the Royal Empire.” Historians also debate as to whether or not Mexico actually existed.

The summer days before our enrollment were some of the happiest times of my life. We would spend many a day out on the ice playing the national pastime of Curling. Curling, of course, became the national pastime of the United States sometime after global warming finally kicked in, causing the entire northern hemisphere to be covered in ice. Most astonishingly, it all happened similarly to what was depicted in the movie The Day After Tomorrow, much to the chagrin of scientists. Charles, being British, was one of the best stone hurlers around, and he had expressed hope at competing on the national level once we had been accepted to the academy. It was of course my bitter disappointment to inform Charles that New New Mexico, being radioactive, had no ice. Besides participating in Curling, we would often participate in games of luck and skill, like cyber chess, space checkers, and Plinko.

During that summer, our group became acquainted with one Ms. Jenna Delahand, a delightful young woman who lit up many a man’s hearts and faces, but mostly their nether-regions, for, quite frankly, she had a nice rack. I, however, found comfort in her witty banter and negligible regard for the feelings of others. We would often spend long days sitting at the cyber ice cream parlor, watching people walk or Segway by the windows, and make up stories about their lives and misfortunes. Of course, in going with Jenna’s character, most stories would involve decapitation and monkeys. Jenna became quick friends with Deak and Charles as well, for, being of a similar character as myself, were also captivated by her acerbic wit and skill with her tongue. Much to Charles’ delight, she also threw a mean game of Curling.

Yes, this was the greatest summer of my life. It would all change, however, once we entered space academy.

To be continued...

On Wellesley, Part 2 (Archive)

2006-04-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

More on Wellesley fun!

[ 02. THE PETER PAN BUS. ]

So there's this bus that takes the girls from Wellesley to other nearby locations, such as the mall or Target or downtown Boston. This bus is chartered by the Peter Pan bus company, thus its name. Now, normally, I have no problems with public transportation. The problem herein lies in the fact that it is chartered, not public, transportation, thus the buses and drivers are only responsible to the company. It so happens that during my tenure in Wellesley, I took this bus twice. The first time I took it was to go into the nearby town of Natick (NAY-tik) and visit the oh so exciting Target located there. After my purchasing in Target was through, I inquired as to when the bus would return. Much to my dismay, I discovered that it next came by, on a Saturday, in no less than TWO hours. Now, why exactly would I need to be at Target for 2 bloody hours? I could maybe understand running the bus every hour...but for the life of me I cannot think as to what I could possibly be purchasing at Target that would allow me to take up 2 whole hours in the store. Now I know I'm just bitching, and I'd really be ready to let the matter go, if it wasn't for my second half of this saga, which I will now be describing. The second time I had the joy of taking the bus was when I decided to accompany Leslie to an MIT frat party. Yes, that's right. So we go, and it's called, but whatever...the fun occurs when we're ready to leave. So according to the schedule, a bus is supposed to come at 12:50, and we all prepare to go take that one back home. The problem is I discover that in my hurry to leave the frat party I had taken the wrong coat, so I have to go back and get my coat, which means that we miss the bus. No problem, we'll just take the one at 1:30. But see, it IS a problem, because the 1:30 never comes. So the situation now is a small group of girls and two guys are sitting out in the cold, waiting for a bus that never comes. We ended up moving into the foyer of an MIT dorm (we can't go in the actual dorm) and waiting for the 2:10 bus. Mind you, these times are all in the AM, I was tired to begin with, AND Leslie is getting "really angry" with the bus company on her cell phone. The 2:10 bus eventually comes, and it ends up being really crowded with people (many of them drunk) "standing" in the aisles. I finally got back at 3 in the morning and passed out, exhausted. This is why I hate the damn Peter Pan bus.

On Wellesley, Part 1 (Archive)

2006-04-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've done a trip report, mainly because I haven't gone anywhere of importance as of late. This last weekend, however, I did go somewhere important. Where was this important place that I went to? Why, it was none other than:

(Image deleted)

Those of you reading this on your subscription page will of course be in the dark as to the wonderful image that I put up above, however I can assure you, it's only purpose is to serve as a device that will make you actually click on my profile. In any case, I went to Boston. Well, on retrospect, I didn't actually go into Boston that much, I actually went to Wellesley, which is both a college and a town about 30 miles or so from the city proper. It was in Wellesly College, the all-girls exploratorium of knowledge and pretentiousness, where I spent the majority of my time. The purpose of my visit was a two pronged assault on my friends Leslie and Grace, the latter of which had no idea I was coming, as part of my birthday present to her. Well, actually, it is my present. Or was. Whatever. There was much revelry to be shared by all three parties, however I do believe that an extensive look at my last four days is in order.

[ 01. WELLESLEY GIRLS. ]
Going into Wellesley for the first time, one will obviously have some sort of expectations. What sort of expectations come out of a California male on a prestigious, all-girls school? Well, for one, everyone, should be lesbians. For another, they should all by dykey lesbians. Lastly, they should all be staunch feminists. So how many of these steroetypes proved true? Well, most of them. Don't get me wrong, I met no one who fit into each of these well organized, manly categories. But I did find a sort of "anti-men" air amongst the campus. Apparently it's bad to call the first-years "freshmen", because the word "man" or a derivative of it is present in the word. Seems a bit much to me, especially since "woman" contains the suffix "-man" as well. But I digress. Next, there was a bit of a contradictory feel to many of the elements there. Visitors are allowed on campus and such, but there's no male bathrooms in the dorms, instead, we have to put up with this multi-function restroom with no lock whose occupants can be dictated by a sliding bar outside the door that slides between "men" and "women." Regardless of the sign (since I was told that it really meant nothing), I had to knock on the door and declare my manly presence whenever I had to use the facilities. Talk about being opressed. Interestingly enough, there were plenty of random men being cavorted about by their respective girlfriends, slave to their shadows out of fear of being glanced at threateningly by the alpha females who romaed the halls and dining commons. Also, the apparent lack of men seemed to have driven some of the women into what can only be described by my virginized ears as a "fit of hormonal desire", and by this I refer to the occasion where I ended up sitting on the bus (more on that later) next to 2 other females who were apparently discussing their male conquests of previous nights like, well, men. I found these two extremes most interesting and fully independent of one another. As for the lesbian stereotype, literally every-other girl that I met was a lesbian. I also found that many people thought I was, in fact, gay as well. I'm going to venture out a slightly bold statement and assert that the amount of lesbianness present is caused by the same thing that causes gayness in prisons and such: the lack of availability of the other gender. Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing gay people in the least, I'm just saying the phenomenon, from an objective standpoint, seems to be similar, and fairly interesting, although I suppose one could argue a chicken-or-the-egg thing for this. But enough of the scientific-like rambling for now, let's move on to lighter subjects.

Part 2 will come later, I have class now...