NEOBlog: Canonically Irrelevant

LOUISVILLE, KY, US	12/18/2008	4:00 P.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
	12/18/2008	11:47 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN
COLUMBUS, OH, US	12/18/2008	7:33 A.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
	12/18/2008	5:22 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN
NEW STANTON, PA, US	12/18/2008	1:15 A.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
NEW STANTON, PA, US	12/17/2008	1:58 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN
LAUREL, MD, US	12/16/2008	8:34 P.M.	DEPARTURE SCAN
LAUREL, MD, US	12/15/2008	9:07 P.M.	ORIGIN SCAN
US	12/15/2008	7:42 P.M.	BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

Seriously UPS, are you purposely trying to not get me my holiday cards? Read entire post...

There's a couple of things I've wanted to put out there.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28139155/ - Illinois Governor tried to 'Auction' Obama's seat

So finally a Democrat politician does something wrong, and it's for something as asinine as this? Trying to auction off the senate seat previously occupied by the president-elect? C'mon, guys, step it up. The Republicans get in trouble over having man sex with each other and this is the best you can do? This isn't the 1920s. Anyway how this guy managed to get elected is very face-palm inducing indeed.

I knew MSNBC was in the tank for Obama, but it looks like they're gonna start going all the way. Fortunately FOX News isn't going to go down without a fight. My favorite Daily Show segments are the ones that make fun of the horrible mess that make up our cable news networks, and this one shows just how much they try to pull people into their gaping maw.


http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653 - A biblical argument for gay marriage?

Now I don't normally discuss this kind of thing because I feel like the arguments both sides of this issue use are flawed ("prop h8te"? Really guys? Get off of your pedestals. To say that everyone who voted 'yes on 8' hates gays is bull). But I found this article to be an interesting read as it tries to present an opposing viewpoint to what we typically hear, and judging by the comments, aren't used to hearing.


Lastly, I leave you with this pleasant image:
Seriously. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH OF THIS SHIT. They even have little books about the two actors and their incredibly long and detailed movie careers, complete with fold-out posters and paparazzi-esque photos. Ugh. Read entire post...

With the election coming up, I thought I'd weigh in on the propositions on the ballot in my good state of California, since there are so many of them and several seem to be quite the misleading.

Proposition 1: High-Speed Rail Bonds: YES
This is a great idea that's taken forever to make it to a ballot. High-speed rail is a clean, energy efficient mode of transportation that will severely cut down on travel time and costs between Los Angeles and San Francisco. The people involved have spent years developing this plan, and most of the money is already in place.

Proposition 2: Farm Animal Protection: YES
This will require humane treatment for farm animals and allow chickens and other animals to move around and not be confined to a tiny box. If we're going to eat animals, we should at least not be bastards about it.

Proposition 3: Children's Hospital Bond Act: NO
This one has tricky language, and obviously a no vote makes me seem like I hate children, but apparently there was an act like this a few years ago that passed in which the money allocated has yet to be completely used up. I don't think redundant spending is something we need right now.

Proposition 4: Parent Notification of Abortion: NO
There is some tricky language here as well, however I've always felt that the law should stay out of this kind of an issue. While I don't condone abortion as a method of birth control, restricting teens and forcing them to notify their parents will only lead them to less legal, more dangerous methods of obtaining an abortion.

Proposition 5: Nonviolent Drug Offenses/Parole Restructuring: YES
The main reason this is on the ballot is due to the apparent overcrowding of our jail and prison system that is costing our state more money than it should. Keep in mind that this is all for generally noviolent crimes. It also establishes drug treatment facilities and rehab centers.

Proposition 6: Law Enforcement Funding: NO
As much as I hate to deny our law enforcement funding, this doesn't solve the root of the criminal problem. Also a yes vote on 5 makes part of this redundant. We need to work with what we already have available to us.

Proposition 7: Renewable Energy Initiative: NO
This seems like a good idea in theory, however it imposes way too many restrictions way too quickly. There is already a renewable energy incentive in place that will force companies to use more of it. A constant failure of so many green initiatives is the inability to think long term. It sounds great to turn every energy company into a green company that runs on cow pies, however forcing the issue with such a quick time frame will have disastrous effects on the economy. Moving towards greener industries must be done with careful planning.

Proposition 8: Elimination of Right for Same-Sex Marriages: NO
This should be a non-issue. I understand the traditional, religious definition of marriage, but this obviously extends beyond that. If we're going to allow people of all different religions and beliefs to marry, there should be NO reason why homosexual couples can't get married either. Sure civil unions allow the same thing, in writing, but it's obviously not the same thing in the minds of those couples. If heterosexual couples can have unhappy marriages with divorce, then homosexuals should be able to have happy marriages. All of the reasons about protecting our families and the sanctity of marriage is complete and udder bullshit and is just thinly veiled religious-based discrimination. I guarantee the vast majority of gay families will be a hell of a lot more functional than hetero ones.

Proposition 9: Victim's Rights Ammendment: NO
It seems as though victims already have many rights regarding their cases. I'm not exactly sure what the benefit of this would be.

Proposition 10: Alternative Fuel Vehicle Initiatives: NO
People are already aware of our energy crisis, and sales figures show that they are buying more fuel efficient cars without the government's help. Let the money go someplace else.

Proposition 11: Redistricting Initiative: YES
This allows redistricting to occur based on lines drawn by an independent commission made up of citizens, not politicians.

Proposition 12: Veteran's Bond: YES
This provides farm and home aid for California veterans. Our vets already have a hard enough time as it is, being veterans and all.

Feel free to lambaste my three cents! Read entire post...

(Note: if you're reading this on facebook, click here to read part one.)

Barack Obama took a moment to pause as he crawled through the White House's air ducts, intent on exacting his revenge on those who had put him in this situation. He recalled coming home, two weeks prior to the election, only to find a dozen members of the SWAT team waiting for him. He remembered their sad, disbelieving looks as they piled up tons of Al-Qaida propaganda that had been wrongfully been planted in his home. He even remembered the look on his neighbor little Jimmy Johnson's 13 year old face as he ripped off his Obama/Biden button, threw it to the ground, and then spat in Obama's face. Barack could feel the sting of the child's spit even as he was thrown into the back of the SWAT vehicle and take away on a route that would eventually lead him to the deepest darkest depths of Guantanamo Bay. Now, five months later, he sat huddled in an air vent above the oval office, munching on an arugula, brie, and pear croissanwich that he had managed to conjur up while riding first class back to America. It was time to let people know who the rightful president was.

Barack finished his sandwich and began crawling towards the war room, where he had heard Hillary Clinton, President of the United States, scuttle off to before he so eloquently dispatched of her husband, former president William Jefferson Clinton. He paused, as he heard voices below.

"Hillary, my friend, this is not why I agreed to be your vice president," sputterred John McCain, still reeling from the piping hot Chai latte that Hillary had thrown in his face. He looked up to see the commander in chief with fire in her eyes.

"Listen, John, I know you have 'foreign policy experience' and everything," retorted Hillary, air-quotes and all, "but I'll have you know that i know exactly what I'm doing without you." She moved back to the war table and picked up Russian president Dmitri Medvedev again. "You see, I know this guy's a pansy. I know that if we ally with..." she scanned the map, picking up French president Nicolas Sarkozy, "...say, this guy, we should be able to kick his pussy commie ass."

McCain snickered. "Hillary, Sarko is french. You can't expect..."

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" Hillary screamed as she chucked the figure at McCain, who blocked it with little hesitation. Hillary raised an eyebrow. "How did you dodge that?"

Suddenly, there was a large crash as Barack Obama smashed through the air duct above and flipped down to the ground. "I think the real question, Hillary, is how are you going to dodge my plan for your demise!"

Hillary's eyes widened as she turned her back to McCain and faced her former Democratic nominee competitor. "Barack Obama! How the hell did you get here?"

Barack cracked his knuckles. "With grit, determination, and a little bit of hope." He paused, tilting his head back in reflection. "also, I killed a lot of people."

"Well, you're not leaving this room alive!" Hillary blared, pulling out a gun from her belt and tossing it to John McCain. "John! You know how to fight. Kill him!"

McCain raised the gun in front of him, feeling the smooth, cold metal upon his fingertips. Instantly, he was reminded of the Republican values that he stood for and had fought so hard to protect. Unflinching, he aimed the gun and fired.

President Hillary Clinton gasped out in horror as the bullet pierced her heart. "Jo---John....w--w-why?"

"My friend, you are unfit for command. I am hearby relieving you of your duty from this earth." With that, John McCain emptied the chamber into Hillary, and she slumped to the floor, dead.

Barack Obama observed the situation in front of him, and after a moment, moved to shake John McCain's hand. "Sir, I know we debated long and hard about our policies, but right now I can confidently say that that was the best decision you have ever made."

McCain stood there, staring at Obama's outstretched hand. "I'm sorry, Mr. Obama, but you see... I'm the president now. And I'm afraid I can't let anyone jeopardize that." McCain snapped his fingers, which brought two White House page boys into the room, who instantly began moving Hillary's body aside. "You see, Hillary was insane. But unlike her, I don't need to control everything. I know my limits. But I do need to control the direction of this country. I need to make sure that every mother, father, and child believes in the fundamental message that my party strives for: government control is evil, unless we're trying to ban something like gay marriage, abortion, or casual Fridays. Then it's ok. For too long I've watched Hillary bastardize the white house with her pro-menstrual cycle agenda. But now, it's big John's time to rise."

Obama approached McCain, his hand still outstretched. "Look, John. You're out of bullets. We don't need this partisan conflict. We can be president, together! Think of how wonderfully progressive that would be! It would be an administration full of change and hope!"

"I'm afraid it's too late, Barack." Mc Cain inched closer to a door in the wall, hovering his hand over the button that would open it. A smile formed on his lips.

"Wait, John, don't do it!" Obama cried out, as John pushed the button. The door groaned and hissed open as fog and smoke blew out from the white, cold room behind. A shadowy figure appeared from the mists and the faint smell of Clinique lipstick filled the air. Obama narrowed his eyes as he tried to make out the figure.

"Yes, that's it," exclaimed McCain, wringing his hands together in joy, "come forward!" The mists began to clear, revealing the figure to be that of a slender woman dressed in a red suitjacket with a sash that read "Miss Alaska" draped over her supple bosom. In one arm she held a rifle and in the other, an infant. Unflinching, she cocked the rifle with her free hand and swung it around to point at Barack.

"Nice to meet you, Governor Obama. I'm Sarah Palin, and I'm here to kick your Ivy-league, elitist ass."

To be concluded! Read entire post...

Beep, beep, beep.

Hillary Rodham Clinton awoke from a dreamless sleep to the sound of her monotonous alarm. Without skipping a beat, she shot her right arm out to the side, laying it rest on her husband's protruding stomach. William Jefferson Clinton, former 41st president of the United States, stirred groggily. "Whazzza?"

"Just checking." Hillary rolled ceremoniously out of bed, placing her feet into designer slippers while securing her Burberry robe around her waist. She briskly walked over to the nearby window and flung open the curtains, letting fresh sunlight pour through the room. Bill rolled over, moaning something incoherent about the light while Hillary proceded to fling open the windows, letting the ambient soundscape of chirping birds mixed with car alarms and fire sirens permeate the atmosphere.

"It's a great day to be president," exclaimed Hillary, breathing in the smog of Washington through her nostrils.

---

"Madame president?"

Hillary looked up in surprise from the White House's "war table." A figure of Iranian president Mahmūd Ahmadinejād fell out of her left hand while a tank fell out of her right. Quickly shuffling the various pieces around, she turned towards her visitor, the vice president.

"You don't need to hide those from me."

"I know, Vice President McCain, but I didn't know it was you," said Hillary, as she embraced John McCain warmly.

John chuckled and moved over to the table. "You know, Hillary, you look like a natural behind the table."

Hillary smiled, fiddling with a figure of Russian president Dmitry Medvedev. "Believe me, I know. Bill always let me move things around randomly." While saying this, Hillary knocked over a tank from Kosovo's position on the map.

"That's great, Hill-Dog." McCain's tone shifted to his more serious drawl. "So...if you don't mind me asking...how is Bara---"

Hillary quickly slapped John before he could finish his sentence. "Do NOT mention his name out in the open! Are you insane?"

"I'm just asking, I feel like I should know--"

"You only need to know what I decide to tell you! That was the agreement that was made!"

McCain backed against the wall. Hillary turned away from him for a moment, resting her hands on the table. Finally, she turned around, taking a sip from her chai latte that had been sitting on top of Switzerland. "You know, John, it wasn't easy planting all of that 9/11 terrorist paraphenelia in Barack's home. Do you have any idea how many of Rudy's people I had to pay off for that stuff? TOO many." Hillary began to walk menacingly towards McCain, taking another sip of her latte while slowly unscrewing the lid. "Barack is going to be in Guantanamo for a very long time, and there's no way he's going to ever get out!"

She proceded to thrust the remainder of her chai latte into McCain's face, causing him to cry out in pain. "You're a monster, Hillary! You're more of a monster than the entire Vietnamese army."

"How did you ever think you would get into this House all by yourself?" Hillary fumed, "You're nothing but a washed up old man. While you're my vice president, you will continue to do as I say, understand?"

McCain wiped the remainder of the scalding liquid off of his face. He hung his head and managed to only utter the words "I've made a huge mistake."

---

Bill Clinton's lifeless body fell to the floor, blood spewing from his orifices. A shadowy female figure hovered above him, cracking her knuckles while beginning to unzip out of her clothes. As she removed her black jumpsuit, it became apparent that this woman was, in fact, a man in disguise. The figure loomed over Bill's body before removing the blonde wig and mask from his face, revealing his identity to his decesased pray.

"Can you smell what Barack is cooking?" said Former Senator Barack Obama, D-IL, wiping the remaining blood off of his hands.

...to be continued! Read entire post...